Courier and Trebuchet topped with a little Georgia

 did I do anything today that I need to appologize for?

If we were not made to be flexible, we would break when we tried to bend. 

But, if you don't try then you haven't started anything at all.

I love the {feeling of} anonymity that typing a blog post gives me.  my fears, tears and scares are not visible through the font, but yet there is a vulnerable transparency that eases in realization and letting go of hurts, haunts and shame.   

that feeling of anonymity typing it out gives me...my fears, tears and scares are not visible through the font, but yet there is a vulnerable transparency that eases in to realization(s) of letting go of hurts, haunts and shame.

before then after i published this, i adjusted the font (from a limited list of choices) to Trebuchet.

Then i got to thinking about what a trebuchet is...

Trebuchet: a machine used in warfare for hurling large stones or other missiles

This is my battle font!

The idea of my words being the large stones or missiles and they keyboard and fingers (omg, my Pen!!! if i learn to write this font) being the "machine", hurling large truth stones or righteous bombs into and at my doubts, fear, shame, hurt, [at my enemies] absolving me/myself and i.

Good Friday on the seasons Black Friday

The day after our first time to host Thanksgiving Dinner and my Best Man is in the attic sending down Christmas decorations…the kids are mildly involved but mainly because they want a chance to climb the ladder into the attic.

Once engaged they were helpful, but when we had gotten both kids and all supplies down, Henrys desire and obligation to help any longer was fulfilled. My best was on to begin his post turkey day sports ball ritual(s) and my big bird was all on to get the holiday cheer spreading through our halls!

Since breakfast we had already had multiple conversations about “Grand(s)” [Granny, Grandpa, Grandma, Gran, Aunt, etc…] but with holiday decorations…all of my familial sentimentality is strewn about; and this year, [bittersweetly, the first year] it feels warm, wonderful, hopeful, delightful and exciting…

Padi, our greeter has finally been paired with his scarf! (I have had that pretty knitted yarn for years (at least 5) and it did not occur to me what it was or where it went until today!

I realized (last year) but formally this year that “the Best Worst gift” my Best Man gave me (6 years ago) is my most favorite  beacon of the season to display…and frankly, if it holds up well through the season, I may not take it down….ever….

And Finally the real story that started this …

This Guy…I’ve always called this guy “the creepy elf”, that is until today when Birdie named him… This wired little fella was given to me [us] by my MomPatty (my exceptional step mother) some years ago and even though I have thought of him as creepy (with his giant hands, pointedly proportioned ears and broken nose) he has a sweet smile and pretty blue eyes that keep him in cue for decoration every year.  So my decorating bird brings him out of his off holiday hibernation bag and is trying to sit him out on display and in doing so begins to disturb pictures (of her dearly departed Grandmothers)and knock things over. I rescue her and let her know that this is a mischievous little elf and she has to be careful and aware of where and how she is moving him about.  She walks around the corner and as she comes back around she lets me know that his name is MJ because he is mischievous and apologized for the accident in disturbing the pictures.

She goes on to point out that MJ has mistletoe on his cap and without thinking…I respond with “He is mischievous with mistletoe on his cap, as it helps him steal kisses.”…

It was very light but relevant conversation (and morning as we got to a stopping point before the 11 am Kickoff of the Texas V. Baylor game) and yet another reminder of Gods provision, great love and sense of humor for me.

Can not wait to see what tomorrow brings, getting to put up the tree and decorate it…fun fact…All the ornaments that decorate our tree have been either a) handed down to us, 2)been crafted colored or created by/for us and C)gifted to us or to each other… Lots and lots of stories from lots and lots of ornaments!!!

one hundred and eleven

this is me after one hundred and eleven check ins. One hundred and eleven work outs!
A work out after a day where i was not my best self. A work out that ended a terrible (rainy even) day with a literal rainbow.

living through Coronavirus

Test the random for better result(s). I don’t know anything about anything really but I feel like I am living with Coronavirus...and I am...in my state, in my city in all of the media feeds that I follow...but I feel like ..., well crap.
i don’t have (flu) symptoms; I’m not feverish, or ’anymore‘ lethargic , drained or tired than usual (double because of the gloomy weather and a sudden cold snap) and no shortness of breath or respiratory distress.  I do have a cough though...it is annoying,  and has been around for some time. And over the last 10 days or so I have had some headaches...beginning with what I can only describe as a migraine.
I couldn’t possibly have Coronavirus....there is no (obvious) exposure...
who could i of had  contact with, before this virus was known to have caught a flight and/or cruise ship, that could have exposed me...
...when i didn’t know to be aware of something like that...
So I have a cough...and it’s not going away, but I get a cough like this maybe once a year...so much so that one of the last times it happened, my nurse practitioner gave me a sample of an inhaler with a steroid to knock at it (i just enjoyed a puff of that remembering where it was). something that occurred to me after the puff side note... that inhaler...is a steroid inhaler and while it was great at knocking out my cough...it was not a great idea to puff it as I was (hoping) to go to sleep...
As I lay awake next to my dear husband who was finally asleep after wrestling with this and work and continue to cough feeling more and more like patient zero; i worry.
Now I pray, i press into God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit...i am scared.  I do look to my blessings, my Best Man, my kids (one of who has an annoying, chunky, lingering cough too) and pantry and refrigerator of food that seems smaller and smaller, less and less every time i begin to think about the next ...months...
My health situation isn’t exact ally ideal, but it isn’t without hope...i work out occasionally and overall I am more healthy that I have been in past seasons of my life. I battle with depression and anxiety (on my,own with out prescription medication) and that inevitably impacts my emotional and physical self and as this pandemic is beginning to panic others i feel drained, useless and unable to do anything.
Today is another day and I still have a cough and weather it is the crazy strength and agility work out I did yesterday or anxiety or coronavirus...i find myself more aware of taking deep inhales, where I can hear the raspy congestive-ness of whatever is keeping me in this cough. For someone with my emotional instability this is literally  "a very rock and weird place" to be...
So I reached out to "my" physicians office to see what my options were for relief , besides the menagerie of allergy and cough/cold OTCs in my medicine cabinet and i was offered an appointment 17 days from now...No chance of speaking to a nurse or looking at a file to see history..."just you can come in this day, does that work for you?"
My mind is spinning!

I’m not doing well.

right where i'm supposed to be

I moved just about three years ago and I have felt (from about the time i hired a moving company) that I made a huge mistake. I loved the house I was in (while i fully acknowledge our family was growing out of it), but what i realized as i was preparing to leave was that I was leaving a community...something I have struggled to find, feel or be a part of where ever i have 'lived' (apart from my immediate family).
Moving with two kids was not nearly the struggle I had made it to be in my mind,  but in my head is where I spend a good bit of my time. Seeing as how I still had things packed in boxes from moving into the house I was moving out of...
I am still unpacking and learning to make a home in this house I moved into, almost...three years ago.

The house we moved into, our home, was not a first choice (or second even) it was really a choice made out of my desire to move only this one time, not sign a short term lease, not put stuff in storage and not move into an apartment until we found 'our house'.
This house is our home and I did not start to (get over myself) accept that until about two years in...I spent that those first 18 months or so complaining about being too far away from the very thing I continue to struggle to find....community. I had moved away from the things that were parts of mine and my family's routine, stores and neighbors. I left my neighbors and have really only recently begun to connect with my "new" neighbors.

Somebody asked me recently, "Why did you move?" and  it was only until I began writing this post that i could give an answer...I am an impetuous impulsive.  I've named it, accepted it, am beginning to understand it and most importantly I am  moving forward.
I am finding that I am IN a community...and I have immersed myself enough to see the path that I have been on, the people I have met, "changes" i have made are all a part of my learning, growing and (most excitedly) being part of a community.
The school my kid(s) get to attend, the Teachers, Educators, Administrators, Staff and Parents involved with our school are absolutely "Tops" to me!  My kids enjoy being at school, learning and growing (albeit waaay too fast)...I attribute this to my kindergartner having the perfect fit of a kindergarten teacher, support, and encouragement and for all of these things to come together I had to be where I am.  I am home.

My path brought me to CG where I have...wait for it....A COMMUNITY of people on their own paths, people I get work out with and whose faces and high fives push me do better & be better. I have a stronger body and mind and have shown myself that I Can do anything I want to do; sometimes i will have to work harder be patient and dig in, and sometimes it may just comes together, but I know I Can!!!

Where i am is right where we needed to be to begin building these relationships, instilling values and a firm foundation for our family to grow.

An unofficial beginning is still a start...

This; what happened...happening.

It Seems to me; weird to talk about anything in a past tense when I have been at this for just 'some' months...but my results {{{the CHANGES }}} are obvious, rapid, exhausting, painful and at moments overwhelming, but nonetheless AWeSome!

When I signed up for CG (with two of my spirit animals, a fierce mama bear and a strong mother of doggos) I knew I needed to be doing something for my health and/or fitness, but I was in a lazy passive aggressive denial zone. My heart knew I was ready to make some real lifestyle changes and that is what pushed me to sign up.
Before the ink was dry i could feel my mind mixing the mortar to build walls of "you can't do this!"

44 years (i was 43 when i started this post...facepalm emoji), 2 kids (3.5 years post being Done having babies!), about 60 pounds overweight, tired, without a schedule structure, a legit fear of change and a penchant for sugary snacks and junk food is where my CG began.....at.5:01am...

This journey started with its lots of bumps (speed, sharp corners, mild and steep inclines) but with more modification than i was prepared to/Not ashamed to admit, I have picked up the pace, begun milling down the sharp corners and made it up some hills (ok, ramps and steps because {{{♪stadium dash♪♫}}} I live in a concrete jungle).

Some of the real benefits of a newfound energy and fitness level is that I am having more fun with my kids in their activities and our daily adventures! I feel a more alert; even if I do feel the need to grab a quick nap (definitely during weeks of interval or endurance...) and more adventurous in my approaches to work, domestic labor, mom(ing), and my life in general.

This effort comes with feeling uncomfortable*, A lot of growing PAINs and even more sore muscles and bones, but ",,,weakness leaving the body", "...makes us stronger", "...you get what you give", "...its your workout", "...strive for progress"
and my most favorite right now....

“When God wants you to grow He makes you uncomfortable...”* i don't know who 'penned' this but it has resonated with me since seeing it on social media somewhere over the last week or so...it has helped me to realize how little i listen and pay attention to myself...i have made myself so busy looking at what others are doing/how they were doing (it) and not following, taking or making my own path to just get stuff done {{{epic facepalm emoji}}}

And I’m just going to get out in front of my another current “life mantra”...(or perhaps new soon to be updated facebook description)...

“uncomfortable is my new inconsistency...”
 cause
 “learning and growing...always in all ways" is how i do and something i preach to my peeps.
...additionally because i love alliteration...

☝☝☝☝☝☝☝☝☝

this "jump rope situation" did little to help me feel better about all of the changes, but finding the humor in the reality of being a woman (and birthed her babies...) is humiliatingly humorous... 

A first time ever... CG Stadium dash (I so hope this becomes an annual ‘dash’!!!) so much internal turmoil that surrounded actually showing up ...
- my hope to get the best  involved
- my absolute desire to get my best On.The field at DKR/Memorial stadium
-an earsick kid
-being an earsick kids mom
-Also, battling with my mind (as it scoops cement, building a wall) that is filling the expanse full of doubt in myself that my body will be able to do this even.


A testimony to the CHANGES it that I did the CG stadium dash...by myself but with an entire community! Made a friend walking up and met up with some friends to 'dash' with, as I was walking up I was so excited and nervous but any walls that my mind had built crumbled as soon as I was in line with this awesome CG group of humans! 

I am beyond grateful for the people that help raise me up and remind me that I can do it and that push me to push myself!
Thank you CG!

an eventual Renewal

Just end me now... I have to get my license renewed and I am told the wait is about two hours for this service...the entire scene is something out of a really bad movie... From the moment I walked in the door the monotony of bureaucracy has been in my face. I  walked out of a roped line waiting area three times, passed the admin/help desk twice, talked to a very pleasant trooper, actually walked Out the door (one time) and then back in to attempt to wait this out.

One of my first thoughts as I sit here is that they should really have bench seating as opposed to the individual plastic seat chairs. It is (((was))) super awkward to have to weasel my way into a seat between groups of individuals or an individual... I have just been "checked on" by someone I guess works here and overheard that the wait for the service [i'm needing] can be up to two and a half hours..."that's the most time...you would have to wait..." Oy! With any luck I... "...could fall I somewhere before that..."

There are sooo many desks, booths and waiting areas and so few people filling them that it seems obvious why the wait is so long but begs the question,,, Where are all the employees?
SPOILER ALERT: The closer we got to closing up time, the more desks, booths and work areas were filled and working

So. I sit wedged in between two absolute strangers, a nice fella from Texas but who moved back to TX from Tulsa and a man who is looking straight forward in an effort to avoid any kind of human contact.
"No Contact Guy" gets up and I get to spread out a bit, balance my cheeks in between two chairs to save up some elbow bumping space and enjoy a little personal space in a wide open waiting room of people who want as much to do with me as I want to be there!

Then a very nice older man proceeds to ask if anyone is sitting...and of course I say "no, please...," and he proceeds to sit, sandwiching himself between me and a couple next me; thankfully I still have an empty chair space between me and Tulsa ...the seemingly nice man begins shuffling through his backpack pulling out file folders and futzing through loads of documents as he is plays a solo game of elbow hockey with my left side. At some point I realize the old sport is standing (still between me and the couple to 'his' left) adjusting his pants and doing something with his belt...maybe that is what he was getting out of his backpack during the second half {of elbow hockey}. Reflecting back on it, it seems like wildly inappropriate behavior; but since i did not pick my eyes up during the 'happening' i decided to not rely on my peripherals and leave it alone.
To my right, in a chair next to where Tulsa was sitting is a very talkative woman having very long and loud conversation(s) and it is wildly annoying. I feel like I should know her name, as I know so much about the people in her life. There was a kiddo behind me with a pretty shrill cry (repeatedly "shrill crying"), so I turned around and chatted with him (yes I did all the talking, the kids gave me the "are you crazy?" look the entire time) for a moment or two (really I was chatting through him and to his mom who, like myself wasn't expecting such long wait times) and the shrill screaming stopped 😎...
I finally got up and moved away from the phone talker. I needed to Not hear her voice and stories anymore.  I could no longer take it; and as, I no longer have the old timer next to me to listen to as he grumbles to me? or to himself...(((I am not sure)))...I moved to a seat where I could watch the numbers on the monitor climb ever.so.slowly closer to mine without having to hear about whatever "Tiffany and James and Peter" were up too.

 Being someone who has been recognized as, called out for and pushed to tears because I am a loud talker, I 'didn't listen" ((and didn't call her out)) as long as I could.  But this one...had zero awareness, mindfulness or care about anyone around her; and after some point in that waiting room, the more i heard her words and stories the more frustrated and annoyed I got...so i moved far enough away to muffle out her words.

Watching the screen nonstop as my number approached...8 more, 7 more...6,5, 4......
......
Finally me!!! My number was there on the screen!!! I had waited through over 85 numbers and to see my combination of digits on that screen I was elated! I danced around in search of table, booth, desk number FIVE (5)...oddly after turning around in many circles and looking every bit as crazy as I felt, I found the area with the number five hanging above it...it was that admin/help desk that i had walked by more than once over two hours ago...I walk up, wait for "Jerrel" to make eye contact and hand him my number.  He just looks at me (clearly as confused as I am) so I say something to the effect of, here is my number it just popped up on the screen for this desk, I am here to renew my license..."Jerrel is obviously a person that has nothing to do with me getting this service done.
He says to me he says, oh I was just deleting numbers I must have pushed yours by mistake...
I think it is important to pause here and note that i did not loose my shit, but that i recognized that this was the kind of setting that pushes mildly depressed, anxious, hangry people (such as myself) All.The.Way.over the edge.

Jerrel shuffles around discarded old tickets around as i ask, in my calmest there is a sheriff over there voice..."so should i continue to wait? what happens now?". Jarrel waves me off and tells me to wait over there (where I was waiting before for 2.5 hours) and it shouldn't be long.  After five minutes (that was too long to have to sit and watch people whose numbers were after mine get the service they need, while now repeatedly being passed over) I went back to Jarrel and said "Sir, how much longer will I have to wait? I have been mostly patient these last two and a half hours and find this very aggravating."
Still not having apologized, still not making eye contact and still avoiding the situation he says it should be there...
Finally (imagine the voice of Ariel when she gets her voice back from the sea witch Ursula) my number re-appears and I get my license renewed in about TWO Minutes {{{angry, sad, sullen, annoyed, ecstatic, elated emoji}}} and I am finished.

I left, renewed and full of joy that I should'nt have to go through this again for at least the next ten years.

stride, modify and embrace change

i need to find my stride (in all things 😶 i suppose)

i need to work on my stride [as i sit here i think back to the times when I was in my stride, and what that felt like]...to find, remember or realize my stride...here is a 'but-kicker' or 'burpee'...my stride will have to 'change' as my path shifts or as my pace (or drive even) adjusts to a task; i am going to have to embrace change.

Pretty much the moment I get going into a "double time" I begin to feel like I am just going to fall down dead if I run another step; or run smack into a wall that went up at my start somewhere along the way. So my trainer says to me, she says "...you will find your stride..." and it resonated
Stride: a step or stage in progress toward an aim...Granted it also simmered on the back burner of my brain for days...

Once my ears quit ringing and thoughts settled down what i heard was..."It is Okay to Modify!!!"
Modify: make partial or minor changes to (something), typically so as to improve it to make it less extreme.
This is not something (i remember) any one person saying but it is something that I have learned. I am not saying that i have never been told "do not modify", it just means i realized that if there is truly no shame in my game, I have to be honest and realistic in my approach to conditioning and training my body.  Modify the lap!!! I modify other exercises (definitely insert someone saying to me "here is a modification for this"...) why not modify the long ass warm up lap(s)...I actually facepalm(ed) myself when this was suggested...why in the Sam H.E.DoubleHockeySticks didn't I think of that?

On an off day, I got a wild hair and ran/jogged/double timed to the mailbox...(the most glorious work affirming (striding!) four tenths of a mile) and it was awesome! and I got to do this with my kids who were amazing, supportive and (frankly) faster than me!

I have to embrace change...and stop building walls to avoid it.
{{{spoiler alert! i have already started , and had no idea , #CHANGEingMiLife }}}
?why do I get so frustrated???...with my kids or an alternate schedule or a work challenge?
... Because things are changing (and i have come to feel like I don't do well with change)
...i feel like when things are changing i will lose (the) little bit of control in whatever it is I have been working on because things are different, new to me. {{{double mind blown emoji}}}

Then...a foam roller...
a friend gave me one some years ago and it got moved around a lot and used a few times but not actually using a foam roller.

You see,,,the way i see it... Actually using a foam roller requires Needing to use a foam roller and if you need to use a foam roller you have been doing some work and can actually (by actually ((here)) i mean properly/effectively) use a foam roller...#yagetme?
I spent a few days rolling around on the floor on my back, even trying to get my kids to foam roll me before i figured out to stand against the wall...{{{insert another facepalm here}}}

I have been able to, and find more energy to be more productive and just better. I am working to embrace burpees (they are still uber stoopid!!!) and overcome my own anxieties that I am not good enough to be good.

i am Thankful, i am Grateful and i am good.

until next time,
...thanks for reading

the first time we were pregnant...

  About a week before my first prenatal visit (~6.5 weeks) I started spotting so I went into my OB's office and had an exam and after some perceived hesitancy from my doc who felt this was just a little bit of "probably nothing to worry about", I was scheduled for an ultrasound later that day.
 So my first prenatal ultrasound was with a technician who after searching around my uterus for a moment asked me... "are you sure your pregnant?"...and promptly ended the exam.
 My Best Man and I sat in shock on a waiting room bench in a foyer of the doctors office only to be told we could go home. There was no discussion about what to do next or about what had just gone through; or as we would soon come find out, what we Were experiencing.
 This was the first time i heard the term "spontaneous abortion" as that was the only explanation  we were given as to why I was (apparently) no longer pregnant.  Everything was so numb at that point that even if i could have brought myself to ask the questions, nobody was there...We were alone (sitting there on an island, in a busy ob/gyn office where we had just been handed devastating news). Alone.
 After tears and a lot of discussion about how or why we felt this happened and eventually decided that we would be fine, and regardless of this loss, we would try again.
 A week or two later is when things really got strange. I had not heard from my doctor's office and was told when we left the office that anything left in my body would flush naturally, so I continued life as I knew it, dental appointments, Vicodin for dental pain/anxiety and a particularly fun night full of libations and laughter. Waking up the next morning with a hangover and what I thought was a giant gas bubble in my belly made the idea of going to work a little daunting, but I was ready to go an hour and a half early, kissed my husband goodbye as he went off to work and let him know that I wished I could "poot".
 Little did I know that what was really happening was that my right Fallopian tube had burst open due an ectopic *ectopic pregnancy:a pregnancy in which the fertilized egg implants outside the uterus* pregnancy. Unbeknownst to me, over the next few hours my abdomen began filling with blood. I called a neighbor over because I was pretty sure I had passed out and I suddenly was so drenched in sweat that I was no longer wearing clothes. My best was called to come home and my job was called to let them know I was too sick to come in (damnit it!!! I was ready to go early, prepared to take that day!!!). It was not until my husband made it home from work, helped me to the bathroom, watched me pass out and vomit (one right after the other) that we decided to call an ambulance (since I could no longer sit up with out blacking out) to come get me.
The EMTs that got me to the hospital were kind (putting socks on my sadly/badly maintained toes as my neighbors gathered to check on the 'sitch...) but it was the slowest bumpiest ride and my husband made it to the ER before we did...
Here is a thing...

..this is all happening like two weeks after our perceived miscarriage, and having found out about it after an ultrasound and hearing those words i will never forget..."are you sure your pregnant?"...anything maternity related was not even on my radar, honestly by the time I got to the hospital I could barely keep it together just to breathe, as the pain rushing through my body was becoming unbearable. 
It was my best man that thought to mention to the attending about our miscarriage (basically saving my life) when we began to piece together what was happening. Things get pretty fuzzy from here, I remember there was a woman in the 'curtain' next to me in actual labor and I kept apologizing because I was making such horrible noises that I didn't want to scare her...

Once my doctor arrived and began to examine me I had some kind of seizure...she told everyone to back up and push some morphine that we needed to get to an O.R. Things are fuzzy(er) still from this point but I saw clearly the pain in my husbands face and had it not been for the morphine cloud i suddenly found myself on, I would have hugged him tight and told him how much i loved him...as his face was telling me.  I don't know that I will ever be able to fully relate how sorry I am for leaving him alone with no answers or clarity or even reassurance that I, that everything was going to be fine.

 I woke up in recovery to find I had my right fallopian tube had ruptured (due to and ectopic pregnancy) and been removed, that I had been bleeding internally and had two liters of blood removed from my belly and also been given a transfusion of two units and the best part of waking up (definitly not Folgers folks)...my amazing Best Man smiling down at me.

The i in team...

🎶red means stop, green means go, and yellow is in the middle and that means slow🎶
that is just a little ditty I started singing with the kids to work on safety signs and colors...its fun and mildly valuable if your kids like to sing songs and don't ever. stop. talking/singing...


When i actively started a change (a project) with CG I got a red shirt...and I stopped.  For five solid weeks I worked and I pushed and i hurt and I made some differences. Then some change happened and I slipped. I've stumbled to a stop and have let myself quit.

I don't do well with change and for a “bold” week, I received a full plate of change. I did not train, work out (put on shoes with laces even), or exercise for an entire week. I’m not proud of this; really I am frustrated at my inability to dodge the jabs of change and just roll past the punches of progress.
A real problem with red a red light is this; that I have gotten really good at building walls and by good I mean they go up quick. By the time i see a green light (usually in the rear view), I have already u-turned and (wait for it...) “CHANGED” my route.
I skipped through the first day back of endurance (cause i am mostly lazy and mostly always lame) and felt the weight of that decision for two whole days.
So after 14 days of no working outs with one and one extra day to feel super weighty and guilty about...

I would be remiss if i did not mention that i did see my doctor at the beginning of my 'hiatus' and she indicated that the pain i have been experiencing in my arm is most likely tendinitis [[[audible eyeroll emoji]]] giving me a medical condition of validation to red light my "project".

...I went back.

I was not super nice to start, but I was there and with each step i (mall walk'ed) ran, and all of the impressive encouragement (that got me into this in the first place) my mood was improving.
It was hard, there was a lot of running and a lot of teamwork from those who were grouped with me, I made it through and everything about my day was better for it!
Well...except my left arm...i don't really know how I am going to proceed with that, ibuprofen helps a good bit now. In all sincerity, i don't even know that it is the "CGing" that has caused it and not this blog (repetitive motion and all of that)...that i am hanging on to by a thread...

As i learn more about myself and grow out of bad habits and into better ways, i find that change isn't a bad thing...and a boost to that...it is not permanent! The fact that change happened simply means that change CAN happen, not game over, a course adjustment so that more, positive change Will happen!

-i

Almost Isn't...a project decends

Yesterdays work out was tough but, walls* were climbed (kinda like a bear even 🐻😱)!
*i have actual work out with walls issues...see "off day" post...
Let me start with, I got up! Through the entire process of waking and dressing, my mind was telling me I didn't need to do 'this', i did not need to go, my left arm is super tweaked and i should rest it another morning...My heart won!  i didn't want to incur the verbal/social media blast or pack on to any guilt or shame for not showing up (((gotta get that check in!!!))) aaannndd i was already awake....

i did 30 stoopid burpees!!! I bear crawled forwards and backwards, Suckin' awesome; but i will be honest...a bear crawl is really just an ambulatory burpee...a burpee soo stoopid it tries to get away...

Now I need to figure out this running thing. It is not in the same stoopid catergory of suck as bear crawls or burpees, but i get to a point where i hit a wall and just can not keep a pace. I am aware of my breathing and then i forget how to use my breath...then panic...but an aware/controlled panic where if i just walk...things will be ok.  Luckily I get to train with a trainer and "trainees?" that are encouraging and motivating!

I am sore to my core! Oddly, i am moving more and doing more through that soreness.  On Tuesday i 'started' 5 loads of laundry...I FINISHED FOUR* OF THEM!!!
*finished is defined here as, folded and put away!!! my best man folded and put away the fifth {swoon}.
I have cleaned out my garage, assisted an underground field trip of 40+ five and six year olds, and overall just been more actively participating in my own life and it feels fantastic. i do feel quite selfish though...all of these positive feels and changes are happening to me and there are so many more that are trapped in their OMG 'MindSet(s)'...{{{my face/head mindblown emoji}}}...

My mind is a dangerous place for me to get lost in, i know this now. Living love, pressing into my heart, following my heart, as my heart ... has not/will not lead me astray.

I don't want to quit this "Project" i have started with this blog, but I don't know how to go about getting any feedback, any comments, any...thing.
My mind tells me that is because this is stupid, illegible, unintelligible.
My heart reminds me that writing my heart has always been one of my dreams.

Found a printed note with borders (from at least 25 years ago)

"It has taken a long time to figure anything out,
It is not about what you get,
It is about what you give.
How you are perceived is what you give off.
Alone in a room full of people...
People who are close but strangers in the eye of this loner.
Caught in a world of i,
trying to push in to the we(s) and us, to be a part and not so far apart.
Babbling along in a sea of who, why, how, when and where.
Is there anybody out there?
Anyone whol feels the struggle, emptiness?
Lost in a sea of bottomless hope,
Locked into a trunk filled with good intentions and broken promises.
Where is the Key to unlock and release all of the pain inside?"

things that appear in italics were added at the time of this post...
It came to mind as I was typing and I was able to find it at first thought...so...i'm gonna publish myself!

Thank you.

-i

i don't do well with change...

...that is not to say that I don't like change...
i just do not do well with it. For some time I have thought of myself out there as go with the flow, I work well in any kind of environment blah, blah, blah...i am full of crap.
I love structure, I need schedules and bullet points (i may even want the fine print 😲)!
If You have read any of my previous posts, you already know that I consider myself a project starter.
This blog is definitely a project and CG, the work i am doing on my self.... probably the biggest (certainly the best) change I can* make (for myself). 
*i think it is noteworthy that while editing i changed the word can...from could...i can do anything!

I woke as soon as my "Champion" alarm went off and I was up... with different mind games this morning. As i stumbled through the motions of dressing and getting out the door the actual soundtrack of self doubt was playing on quick repeat; "you can not do this, there is no way you can run, this is going to be too hard"...over and over. I pushed through and showed up.
The people that I get to train with are the best! I "ran" (((slow double(ish))) time really)  the entire first lap, with all the credit due to a creeper camper that encouraged me so much (i mean "creeper" in the best possible sarcastic? way!!!). I was really nervous about todays work out because it involved soo.much."running"...but today...I trained. I was encouraged, I pushed, and while I did not complete the board I completed the work out and set a goal to increase my stamina and be able to make it to the group that completes the board...probably not next time, but another goal is set.  Speaking of goals...still not off my knees for push ups but I am getting there with the form and i don't even dislike them anymore...Burpees remain stoopid.

I tell my kids all the time...seriously all.the.time...."Don't tell me you can not do something if you are not trying..." and today; damn did I have to try. And damn it! I did it. It was not pretty, it was messy (soo humid and hot this am), and it was mostly modified but it was did and i am already stronger today for it.  Thank you

Looking at it now, giving myself the project starter description is/was a way of giving myself an out...because as a project changes, I get spooked...I have a reason to quit...
It has always been easier for me to walk away/quit something because something changed...in my 'mind' leaving/stopping isn't on me...it is on the change...
Reading and re-reading this, trying to find a way to put into words this flawed logic that I grew up with just looks well...burpee stoopid!

see...I like change! And going forward I think I will do better!!!

-i

https://music.amazon.com/albums/B00J530PHQ?trackAsin=B00J530TMM&ref=dm_sh_4966-0b28-dmcp-5cac-53a7f&musicTerritory=US&marketplaceId=ATVPDKIKX0DER

i am a project starter...

...i get ideas and i start them into motion...taping off a wall 'to' paint, buying supplies to make/build/create or measure things and draw rough plans.

The problem here is that it is very difficult to enjoy the victory of (or agony even) of a project because 'IT' gets pushed aside for the next thing to get started.

My problem becomes exasperated by the fact that I am adult onset attention deficit disorder [human?] so i go through super motivated "project stater" modes; these are projects that I am turbo charged to get started, like...this will be the one, the "one" that moves me to elevate my status from project starter to project do-er.

just get up, just do it...what is holding you back?*

I had to type ↑↑↑ those words just to move me from staring at the white blank page and go clean my kitchen...

I am starting to look at my "projects started" and I'm feeling a little defeated; overwhelmed really. 

CG is a project, no...No, Camp Gladiator is a change, the project is me?

I don't know that last sentence looks cheesy like theatrically cheesy {{{dramatic}}}.

My point is, i find myself looking to be finished "start"ing Camp Gladiator, but I don't want to be finished...my mind is showing me all the ways that I could quit...the alarm game, establishing the "project starter" limitation, drinking way too much wine over the weekend, etc...

When I popped open my eyes and looked at my phone at 4:36am a full 25 minutes before my alarm would sound, I felt (as i rolled back over to sleep) that my mind won this mornings round of the alarm game. But...my alarm did sound and i got up (albeit slowly) and made it to workout!

It does not feel good to not be able to run the warm up lap and I was beginning to doubt myself and press into my own mind games this morning but I did not quit...(i mean...i quit running...) but I did not quit the workout that I started. The warm up was great and the interval workout was intense but I loved it!!! I did all the stoopid burpees and only had to modify the star jumps*!!! Headed out shortly for cross-trainers and a foam-roller, feeling less overwhelmed and less defeated after conquering this mornings workout with an amazing crew of encouraging team mates, led by one.awesome.trainer!

*in the interest of keeping this blog a little (too) real, honest and TotAlly about me, I came straight home and made an appointment for my ob/gyn...cause...I had to modify the star jumps...cause i didn't wear an actual diaper and wasted the "bladder liner" doing the quick jacks.

                            {{{Uber FacePalm emoji}}}

I am also aware that this blog...is a project. And once I am aware of something I begin to pick.  I will find any reason I can to avoid addressing my thoughts and feelings.  As I typed that Im thinking, that statement looks as "stoopid" as Burpees...I started this blog...I put it out there for whoever reads it and as long as I am pushing forward and working towards my goals...i am becoming a "do-er" of projects!

I do enjoy being able to share my heart and hope that whoever is seeing this has been, entertained, motivated or even moved to...just keep moving!

Hope your day (or night or whatever) is great!!!

-i

🎶sunshine {{{literally}}} on my shoulder🎶

more than a physical work out...
...a mental make-over too.
Interval training...Oy! I love the sandbag slam though...I have started to 'self-modify'...I am sitting here waiting for the words to come out, but really I am just sitting here staring at a mostly blank page.

The Mental Work Out is beating me up me right now (don't get me wrong, I am still sore; not so much achy anymore...but sore in a very good "weakness leaving the body" kind of way) and I don't think I prepared myself for the raw truth(s) volcano (my emotional self) eruption.  I am sad. I am sad that I have not been a very good person a very lot of times, I am sad that I have friends suffering through unimaginable situations and still smiling for their surfaces, still showing up, I am sad because I miss my (people) friends, family, parents and grandparents for my kids, and I am sad that I have let things with my own fit and form get soo...heavy.

I was given this morning and I am definitely thankful, I was able to witness the most beautiful 'black and white cookie-moon' ((double thankful even)).
I SHOWED UP... this day belongs to victory already.
For an hour this morning I got to breath it all out, I got to push through the sadness and focus on ME. Jogged the entire first warm up lap (that is roughly 1/4 ((one quarter!)) of a mile, then weighted I walked mostly. I do have an awesome group that is so encouraging and powerful, and yes I know at least one person saw me flip off  (shoot the bird at, show my middle finger to) Surgery Sam this morning...my arms were such jelly that I was worthless to collect any pieces for my "Pattys".

I have started to "self-modify" some of the exercises because I just don't feel confidence in my body to  do full out "macaraneas" and "get ups"...OMfrickin'Gobstopper...they should really be called "the upper body burpee that destroys your thighs and keeps your abdomen painfully in check"...I am going to have to add those stupid things to my goal list...
Speaking of goals...I'm not off my knees for push ups (Yet...) but I can feel the work I have been doing in my arms and even though I am still on my knees, the push ups I am doing feel really good and are getting stronger.

 🎶sunshine on my shoulder🎶makes me happy🎶...
working out under the most beautiful sunrises you can imagine also makes it worth it!!!

Still really happy with my life changing choice, and post work out today..... I am feeling a lot better about my sadness...less sad anyway. Today is a beautiful day and I got to recover with my chocolate milk reward and there is nothing wrong with that!

Give hugs and/or high fives freely, just keep moving.

-i

i think i have an ellipsis...problem...

Weather people have been pushing rain chances all week, but was hopeful that it would hold off, and it did for the most part...little drizzle...
Getting up and going happened smoothly and only a mild groan when i opened the garage door to the falling moisture...I am calling it falling moisture, but really is was humidity waiting to attach itself to your self and drench you...not complaining just ok...complaining; i was muggy and sweaty before i started and soggy and smelly and damp when I was done.
..."rainy" day work out...not so much, but under the awning anyway.

...double timed the first warm up lap (Yay!)...I finished with a group even!!! An upbeat walking pace for the weighted second lap brought me into jacks and a full humidity/sweat soaked warm up (i was kind of missing the rain by this point). Lots of good deep squats and upper body work has left my shoulders a little wobbly but in the best way.

Found out that there is something worse than a stoopid Burpee...the younger, more spry, muscle tweaking Super 'stoopid'  Burpee...it is super in that it does everything! and by does...i mean uses...all.the.muscles.
Seriously though today was a great round of different exercises, my favorite(s) probably being the wall sits and curl and the sandbag slams! One of my team mates got loud and encouraging and pulled me through one of my last sets!  When I was introduced to the sandbag on Wednesday it was with 10 pounds...this morning i used a 15 pound bag, so I really needed that extra push!
I think during a station that had a "short" lap I made some real progress in my attempt to turn a lite jog into a run and was able to churn out two short laps (not walking!) and a mini-lap (modified lap 😏). I realized that my mind steps in when I am 'running' and a lot like it tricks me with the 'alarm game', my mind gets all caught up in my thoughts and makes me think I can not keep going...
Maybe that is a long wordy way of saying I let my fear of not being able to keep going slow me down.
No Fear!!! Just Keep Moving!
It is very strange feeling, all of these new aches and pains but all good! I am not feeling that lingering sore pain and I can walk away from most days and still sit down unassisted in a chair (or, yeah a toilet...thank you).

Made it home in time to enjoy My recovery 🎶Chocolate Milk🎶 straight from the carton (cause I {{{better be}}}am the only one getting to enjoy it)!

"May the Fourth be with You"
Give High Fives and/or Hugs Freely!

I might take a nap today.


-i

eating oatmeal with a fork

Scheduling conflicts opened up my morning and I will CG this afternoon (rain or shine, any weather all weather work-out) with a world class athlete even...I think this goes without my typing it...i am nervous.
Like i have said before, there are real visual issues and i take a lot of comfort in working out under the cover of darkness.

I am now typing to you from my Post Workout Bliss.
It was Awesome (although I think someone called me Grandma...😑👵WTfrick...)!
I took my six year old and one of his friends with me and they were awesome! The kids ran and played on the playground While. I. Worked.Out!!! My Boy was a surprise motivator, he clapped and pointed proudly as I ran* by and when walking past during sets he would throw a thumbs up my way. He has no idea how much that helps me and I love him all the more for that! In short...I loved having him there.
The group of people that I got to train with, such a beautiful group! Everyone beautiful and powerful! My training partner kept me sand bag slammin' and movin' through the burn and i am thankful for her encouragement!
Here is a thing...I am now at this late afternoon hour charged up for my day...
I kind of feel like i was sleepwalking through this morning and afternoon waiting for my alarm to go off and head out to work out...
On the upside of this charge...getting the kids fed, showered and to bed went really well (surprisingly well), so the focus, calm and patience gives extra credit to the workout!

If you are wondering...I did have my recovery chocolate milk at 5:15 and it was soooo good! Especially since that carton got to mock me all day!

By the time I got ready for bed...I was starting to feel the workout. Slight head ache, yes drinking more water and regretting not getting a foam roller.

This morning, I am starving and sore over All.this.Body! But I am not broken! I conjured an afternoon workout and I feel really great!

Focused, energized, shaky and sore but ready and right where i am supposed to be!!!
and sooo runing late for work....


-i

off day

I am not CGing today but while i acclimate to this wonderful new muscle hurt*/use in my shoulders (but like Mellencamp "Hurt so good" not REM "Everybody Hurts") 
I thought I would "get a little real" and dish some of my exercise/fitness history.

I grew up athletic'ish, tried out some sports (like scoring points for the opposing team tried out), rode bikes, skateboards and plop'd down in drill team for a few years in high school.

In 1997 I enlisted in the Navy and got into the best shape of my life, but at the cost of my right femoral Neck (right hip) and left hip to a lesser extent. With three pins embedded in my bone; that set off a metal detector once even, and an appointment to a "Temporary Retired Disabled Leave" classification, I was sent home...In great shape, but broken and patched up.

Flash forward to 2013...and I have had at least two major (one literally Life Saving) surgeries and...a beautiful bouncing baby boy, and my body is showing it...like "...so when are you due?" from strangers...showing it.
I signed up with a "Globo..." gym (that had a great kids care center), attending the group classes and got motivated enough to work with a trainer. The training sessions were tough, and intense but really good (...like i was getting back to Navy boot camp shape) until the last one...a free extra training sesh that ended up immediately halting all the progress and work I had put in.

We were doing some wall climbs, where I had to push my body up, throw my legs over, and push off and down the other side. I think I did it once, the second time though my arm failed me and I crashed down onto a half-a-foot-wide 'wall' my rib cage cracking a rib...I was workout broken.

Fast track 2.5 weeks ago... add my sweet (3 Year Old) baby girl to the life changes and reasons I've given up on my body column(s)
and the realized anniversary; 5 years since my work out "break-up",,,when I finally accepted my need to get my self "fit again". I find myself anxious for an accident, or incident that will end this honeymoon phase, when things start to fracture or break. I feel optimistic and encouraged by the people around me and my trainer(s). I have already fallen down, and have campers, team mates and trainers that help(ed) me up...I wasn't even bruised...just modified!
Tomorrow because of scheduling conflicts, will go to a different group at a different time of day for my work out and I am nervous. There is an underlying visual confidence level that helps me enjoy the early morning (dark) workouts, annnddd my kids might have to witness the nightmare is my face whilst working out.

I feel like I have leveled up...{{{going BOLD}}} perhaps.
I hope you enjoy reading this one as much as I enjoyed putting it down!

-i

Clumsy girl gonna clumsy

Stoopid mind...games. I don't know that I sleep super good anyway and after making the commitment to go Bold with CG I was anxious and could not get to sleep last night.  Don't get me wrong, I am stoked, dedicated and truly excited for this journey; it is just, after a long exhausting weekend I worry that my motivation for real ME time falls to the back burner, behind sleep.
My mind plays tricks, works its way into my dreams and fiddles with me, making me think i am awake and that i will not be able to hear an alarm or that I have missed it all together even. Just when i think i have defeated the game, I realize i have spent sleeping energy on not waking up, when i realize I am still asleep and begin to sleep MY Alarm goes OFF...It feels like I have been hitting the snooze button restlessly and not really sleeping.
The good news ...i think...i am handling it better...

Did not mean to bury the lead there...I am CG Bold!!! I have made a commitment to better my self! I have some really great support and like i have said already (probably a few times) I am already feeling results.  My energy level increased almost immediately and my motivation to just do anything has gone off the charts.  My patience and ability to play and keep up with my kids is almost overwhelming! They are so fun and I almost feel like i need to apologize to them for waiting so long to get my act together.

Today was a tough work out...I did not think i could dislike an exercise/movement more than Burpees...but that Macarena can double suck it!
I was lucky enough to be partnered with an actual energizer bunny and wow did she rock it!!!
I really appreciated her and my trainer who both picked me up when I crash landed doing side shuffles...all body parts are fine, wrist being iced and is good.
I am exhausted and spent, but charged and ready for my day.
I did run* the entire first warm up lap, but solidly walked the second with weights.
*and by run i mean maaayyybe it was a jog but definitely faster than...ok well maybe a delicate speed walk.

My hope is that the person(s) partnering up with me are getting a solid work out and not taking it easy because I am stumbling or actually falling down. I get such encouragement from this team and awesome group of people dedicated to their fitness.

I really thought that today was the day I would actually throw up (and briefly considered it when I got home..) but i did not...I got home and had my super delicious Chocolate Milk recovery right out of the carton! It was a challenge to not chug the entire thing, but well...moderation and all of that.

Give Hugs and/or High Fives Freely!!! Just keep moving!!!

Through Him and from my heart!

-i

A lot of wine...

ing here...

"Dora the Explorer" is on ... on repeat,
coffee is hot
i wanted to call in sick
my body is so tired

I am running my mind in circles trying to remember all of the things i say to the kids to motivate them or just use words to try to change/redirect behavior...
"Don't tell me you can't do something if you are not trying"
"you don't have to be the line leader to be a leader"
I guess because I am working now to change my own behavior (old/bad habits/routines) and create a more stable base to be...just better (eventually better than just better...) that i needed to get these words out. in letters. in front of my eyes.
Oy, change at my age is hard...i am so stubborn too. 

Camp Gladiator is (has already even!) giving me a routine, a stability in schedule (albeit Hella Early) that has created such positive change and great impact that I am more driven to press on than when I signed up. The waking up...that is happening. I think my biggest morning hurdle pops up before i even wake up; Devilish games my mind plays trying to pull me down and away from positive change and back into unproductive lifestyle choices.
I ran the first warm up lap!!! Mind you I am using the word 'ran' in the loosest sense of the word...it was really that "enthusiastic mall walker pace", but I kept it up the entire time and then a pretty solid "mom were going to be late for school pace" with 12 pounds in each hand for the second.
I did work, on some sets harder than others but my body is old, misused and All. The.way out of shape so I think it will be a bit before I can do ONE proper burpee or 60 legit reps of anything...I am In This though, I am in "Just Keep Moving" mode and i can feel myself winning! Thanks again to my fellow Campers and my Trainer(s) that keep me motivated and showing up!

I want to be a mom that my daughter aspires to be like.
I do not want to be like my mom.
I want my daughter to want to be like me, and not dreading the "oh, that reminds me of my mom" situations, moments and realizations.


Oh and my recovery was sooo Perfecto! But now...the quart sits there to mock me until my next workout...I guess I will have to find a weekend addition to workout ...#kidding #iwillwait

Give Hugs and/or High Fives Freely!

Through Him and from my heart,

-i

I am E'Pf-fin tired!...

...after suffering a dry itchy cough through the night. My brain played alarm mind games on me again; at some point I just began cycling through a familiar dream of being awake and going through my day as if I had already missed my alarm and CG.
I did not miss my alarm and was up pretty quickly, and my body is not so much sore right now, but worked; as I move through planned steps so as not to disturb my best man (anymore than I do on the daily...).
I love everything about the next part of my day...it is the reason I started CG, it is all ME time. This is the time I give myself to be thankful, give praise and accept that I am aging gratefully (while trying to be graceful).  So I get to camp and while I am still working on my runners lungs, I get a lot of motivation and encouragement from my fellow 'gladiators'!  There is so much strength in the amazing group of humans I get to work out with!
OmGosh...new goal...(besides getting off my knees for planks and push ups, and defeat burpees)...be the work out to be the partner that can/will pick up the extra reps!

So I made it through another morning work out and I am already looking forward to my next...Friday should be interesting since after my work out I have scheduled my InBody test. I am not totally sure what an InBody test is, but my guess is; to document where my body is now...weight, skeletal muscle mass, BMI (double ugh...) to track my progress(ion).

So...someone (who i consider "in the know") told me last weekend that chocolate milk is a really good recovery drink within 30 minutes of working out. To me this was The.Best.News!!! I love chocolate milk!!! I have been known to pound a pint of H-E-B chocolate milk...while still IN THE H-E-B PARKING LOT. I am talking take it out of the bag so the kids don't see it and Chug in the H-E-B parking lot. "Best News"!!! So I bought chocolate milk, and it is sooo difficult to see it in my refrigerator and not just grab it and drink it right out of the carton, but I do not. Chocolate milk has become my "sweet" recovery reward for working hard and I love it all the more now!

Those of you that are reading this, Thank you, Thank you, Thank you! Writing this out, putting my thoughts to words is my minds recovery and I hold hope that putting stuff out there will encourage someone, or start a conversation (maybe with ME* or better about ME*). I don't know, but i do know know it helps me*.
*cause who is This. really all about...

If you can't hug 'em, high five 'em, just keep your hands up!

Through Him and from my heart

-i