i don't do well with change...

...that is not to say that I don't like change...
i just do not do well with it. For some time I have thought of myself out there as go with the flow, I work well in any kind of environment blah, blah, blah...i am full of crap.
I love structure, I need schedules and bullet points (i may even want the fine print 😲)!
If You have read any of my previous posts, you already know that I consider myself a project starter.
This blog is definitely a project and CG, the work i am doing on my self.... probably the biggest (certainly the best) change I can* make (for myself). 
*i think it is noteworthy that while editing i changed the word can...from could...i can do anything!

I woke as soon as my "Champion" alarm went off and I was up... with different mind games this morning. As i stumbled through the motions of dressing and getting out the door the actual soundtrack of self doubt was playing on quick repeat; "you can not do this, there is no way you can run, this is going to be too hard"...over and over. I pushed through and showed up.
The people that I get to train with are the best! I "ran" (((slow double(ish))) time really)  the entire first lap, with all the credit due to a creeper camper that encouraged me so much (i mean "creeper" in the best possible sarcastic? way!!!). I was really nervous about todays work out because it involved soo.much."running"...but today...I trained. I was encouraged, I pushed, and while I did not complete the board I completed the work out and set a goal to increase my stamina and be able to make it to the group that completes the board...probably not next time, but another goal is set.  Speaking of goals...still not off my knees for push ups but I am getting there with the form and i don't even dislike them anymore...Burpees remain stoopid.

I tell my kids all the time...seriously all.the.time...."Don't tell me you can not do something if you are not trying..." and today; damn did I have to try. And damn it! I did it. It was not pretty, it was messy (soo humid and hot this am), and it was mostly modified but it was did and i am already stronger today for it.  Thank you

Looking at it now, giving myself the project starter description is/was a way of giving myself an out...because as a project changes, I get spooked...I have a reason to quit...
It has always been easier for me to walk away/quit something because something changed...in my 'mind' leaving/stopping isn't on me...it is on the change...
Reading and re-reading this, trying to find a way to put into words this flawed logic that I grew up with just looks well...burpee stoopid!

see...I like change! And going forward I think I will do better!!!

-i

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