Almost Isn't...a project decends

Yesterdays work out was tough but, walls* were climbed (kinda like a bear even 🐻😱)!
*i have actual work out with walls issues...see "off day" post...
Let me start with, I got up! Through the entire process of waking and dressing, my mind was telling me I didn't need to do 'this', i did not need to go, my left arm is super tweaked and i should rest it another morning...My heart won!  i didn't want to incur the verbal/social media blast or pack on to any guilt or shame for not showing up (((gotta get that check in!!!))) aaannndd i was already awake....

i did 30 stoopid burpees!!! I bear crawled forwards and backwards, Suckin' awesome; but i will be honest...a bear crawl is really just an ambulatory burpee...a burpee soo stoopid it tries to get away...

Now I need to figure out this running thing. It is not in the same stoopid catergory of suck as bear crawls or burpees, but i get to a point where i hit a wall and just can not keep a pace. I am aware of my breathing and then i forget how to use my breath...then panic...but an aware/controlled panic where if i just walk...things will be ok.  Luckily I get to train with a trainer and "trainees?" that are encouraging and motivating!

I am sore to my core! Oddly, i am moving more and doing more through that soreness.  On Tuesday i 'started' 5 loads of laundry...I FINISHED FOUR* OF THEM!!!
*finished is defined here as, folded and put away!!! my best man folded and put away the fifth {swoon}.
I have cleaned out my garage, assisted an underground field trip of 40+ five and six year olds, and overall just been more actively participating in my own life and it feels fantastic. i do feel quite selfish though...all of these positive feels and changes are happening to me and there are so many more that are trapped in their OMG 'MindSet(s)'...{{{my face/head mindblown emoji}}}...

My mind is a dangerous place for me to get lost in, i know this now. Living love, pressing into my heart, following my heart, as my heart ... has not/will not lead me astray.

I don't want to quit this "Project" i have started with this blog, but I don't know how to go about getting any feedback, any comments, any...thing.
My mind tells me that is because this is stupid, illegible, unintelligible.
My heart reminds me that writing my heart has always been one of my dreams.

Found a printed note with borders (from at least 25 years ago)

"It has taken a long time to figure anything out,
It is not about what you get,
It is about what you give.
How you are perceived is what you give off.
Alone in a room full of people...
People who are close but strangers in the eye of this loner.
Caught in a world of i,
trying to push in to the we(s) and us, to be a part and not so far apart.
Babbling along in a sea of who, why, how, when and where.
Is there anybody out there?
Anyone whol feels the struggle, emptiness?
Lost in a sea of bottomless hope,
Locked into a trunk filled with good intentions and broken promises.
Where is the Key to unlock and release all of the pain inside?"

things that appear in italics were added at the time of this post...
It came to mind as I was typing and I was able to find it at first thought...so...i'm gonna publish myself!

Thank you.

-i

i don't do well with change...

...that is not to say that I don't like change...
i just do not do well with it. For some time I have thought of myself out there as go with the flow, I work well in any kind of environment blah, blah, blah...i am full of crap.
I love structure, I need schedules and bullet points (i may even want the fine print 😲)!
If You have read any of my previous posts, you already know that I consider myself a project starter.
This blog is definitely a project and CG, the work i am doing on my self.... probably the biggest (certainly the best) change I can* make (for myself). 
*i think it is noteworthy that while editing i changed the word can...from could...i can do anything!

I woke as soon as my "Champion" alarm went off and I was up... with different mind games this morning. As i stumbled through the motions of dressing and getting out the door the actual soundtrack of self doubt was playing on quick repeat; "you can not do this, there is no way you can run, this is going to be too hard"...over and over. I pushed through and showed up.
The people that I get to train with are the best! I "ran" (((slow double(ish))) time really)  the entire first lap, with all the credit due to a creeper camper that encouraged me so much (i mean "creeper" in the best possible sarcastic? way!!!). I was really nervous about todays work out because it involved soo.much."running"...but today...I trained. I was encouraged, I pushed, and while I did not complete the board I completed the work out and set a goal to increase my stamina and be able to make it to the group that completes the board...probably not next time, but another goal is set.  Speaking of goals...still not off my knees for push ups but I am getting there with the form and i don't even dislike them anymore...Burpees remain stoopid.

I tell my kids all the time...seriously all.the.time...."Don't tell me you can not do something if you are not trying..." and today; damn did I have to try. And damn it! I did it. It was not pretty, it was messy (soo humid and hot this am), and it was mostly modified but it was did and i am already stronger today for it.  Thank you

Looking at it now, giving myself the project starter description is/was a way of giving myself an out...because as a project changes, I get spooked...I have a reason to quit...
It has always been easier for me to walk away/quit something because something changed...in my 'mind' leaving/stopping isn't on me...it is on the change...
Reading and re-reading this, trying to find a way to put into words this flawed logic that I grew up with just looks well...burpee stoopid!

see...I like change! And going forward I think I will do better!!!

-i

https://music.amazon.com/albums/B00J530PHQ?trackAsin=B00J530TMM&ref=dm_sh_4966-0b28-dmcp-5cac-53a7f&musicTerritory=US&marketplaceId=ATVPDKIKX0DER

i am a project starter...

...i get ideas and i start them into motion...taping off a wall 'to' paint, buying supplies to make/build/create or measure things and draw rough plans.

The problem here is that it is very difficult to enjoy the victory of (or agony even) of a project because 'IT' gets pushed aside for the next thing to get started.

My problem becomes exasperated by the fact that I am adult onset attention deficit disorder [human?] so i go through super motivated "project stater" modes; these are projects that I am turbo charged to get started, like...this will be the one, the "one" that moves me to elevate my status from project starter to project do-er.

just get up, just do it...what is holding you back?*

I had to type ↑↑↑ those words just to move me from staring at the white blank page and go clean my kitchen...

I am starting to look at my "projects started" and I'm feeling a little defeated; overwhelmed really. 

CG is a project, no...No, Camp Gladiator is a change, the project is me?

I don't know that last sentence looks cheesy like theatrically cheesy {{{dramatic}}}.

My point is, i find myself looking to be finished "start"ing Camp Gladiator, but I don't want to be finished...my mind is showing me all the ways that I could quit...the alarm game, establishing the "project starter" limitation, drinking way too much wine over the weekend, etc...

When I popped open my eyes and looked at my phone at 4:36am a full 25 minutes before my alarm would sound, I felt (as i rolled back over to sleep) that my mind won this mornings round of the alarm game. But...my alarm did sound and i got up (albeit slowly) and made it to workout!

It does not feel good to not be able to run the warm up lap and I was beginning to doubt myself and press into my own mind games this morning but I did not quit...(i mean...i quit running...) but I did not quit the workout that I started. The warm up was great and the interval workout was intense but I loved it!!! I did all the stoopid burpees and only had to modify the star jumps*!!! Headed out shortly for cross-trainers and a foam-roller, feeling less overwhelmed and less defeated after conquering this mornings workout with an amazing crew of encouraging team mates, led by one.awesome.trainer!

*in the interest of keeping this blog a little (too) real, honest and TotAlly about me, I came straight home and made an appointment for my ob/gyn...cause...I had to modify the star jumps...cause i didn't wear an actual diaper and wasted the "bladder liner" doing the quick jacks.

                            {{{Uber FacePalm emoji}}}

I am also aware that this blog...is a project. And once I am aware of something I begin to pick.  I will find any reason I can to avoid addressing my thoughts and feelings.  As I typed that Im thinking, that statement looks as "stoopid" as Burpees...I started this blog...I put it out there for whoever reads it and as long as I am pushing forward and working towards my goals...i am becoming a "do-er" of projects!

I do enjoy being able to share my heart and hope that whoever is seeing this has been, entertained, motivated or even moved to...just keep moving!

Hope your day (or night or whatever) is great!!!

-i

🎶sunshine {{{literally}}} on my shoulder🎶

more than a physical work out...
...a mental make-over too.
Interval training...Oy! I love the sandbag slam though...I have started to 'self-modify'...I am sitting here waiting for the words to come out, but really I am just sitting here staring at a mostly blank page.

The Mental Work Out is beating me up me right now (don't get me wrong, I am still sore; not so much achy anymore...but sore in a very good "weakness leaving the body" kind of way) and I don't think I prepared myself for the raw truth(s) volcano (my emotional self) eruption.  I am sad. I am sad that I have not been a very good person a very lot of times, I am sad that I have friends suffering through unimaginable situations and still smiling for their surfaces, still showing up, I am sad because I miss my (people) friends, family, parents and grandparents for my kids, and I am sad that I have let things with my own fit and form get soo...heavy.

I was given this morning and I am definitely thankful, I was able to witness the most beautiful 'black and white cookie-moon' ((double thankful even)).
I SHOWED UP... this day belongs to victory already.
For an hour this morning I got to breath it all out, I got to push through the sadness and focus on ME. Jogged the entire first warm up lap (that is roughly 1/4 ((one quarter!)) of a mile, then weighted I walked mostly. I do have an awesome group that is so encouraging and powerful, and yes I know at least one person saw me flip off  (shoot the bird at, show my middle finger to) Surgery Sam this morning...my arms were such jelly that I was worthless to collect any pieces for my "Pattys".

I have started to "self-modify" some of the exercises because I just don't feel confidence in my body to  do full out "macaraneas" and "get ups"...OMfrickin'Gobstopper...they should really be called "the upper body burpee that destroys your thighs and keeps your abdomen painfully in check"...I am going to have to add those stupid things to my goal list...
Speaking of goals...I'm not off my knees for push ups (Yet...) but I can feel the work I have been doing in my arms and even though I am still on my knees, the push ups I am doing feel really good and are getting stronger.

 🎶sunshine on my shoulder🎶makes me happy🎶...
working out under the most beautiful sunrises you can imagine also makes it worth it!!!

Still really happy with my life changing choice, and post work out today..... I am feeling a lot better about my sadness...less sad anyway. Today is a beautiful day and I got to recover with my chocolate milk reward and there is nothing wrong with that!

Give hugs and/or high fives freely, just keep moving.

-i

i think i have an ellipsis...problem...

Weather people have been pushing rain chances all week, but was hopeful that it would hold off, and it did for the most part...little drizzle...
Getting up and going happened smoothly and only a mild groan when i opened the garage door to the falling moisture...I am calling it falling moisture, but really is was humidity waiting to attach itself to your self and drench you...not complaining just ok...complaining; i was muggy and sweaty before i started and soggy and smelly and damp when I was done.
..."rainy" day work out...not so much, but under the awning anyway.

...double timed the first warm up lap (Yay!)...I finished with a group even!!! An upbeat walking pace for the weighted second lap brought me into jacks and a full humidity/sweat soaked warm up (i was kind of missing the rain by this point). Lots of good deep squats and upper body work has left my shoulders a little wobbly but in the best way.

Found out that there is something worse than a stoopid Burpee...the younger, more spry, muscle tweaking Super 'stoopid'  Burpee...it is super in that it does everything! and by does...i mean uses...all.the.muscles.
Seriously though today was a great round of different exercises, my favorite(s) probably being the wall sits and curl and the sandbag slams! One of my team mates got loud and encouraging and pulled me through one of my last sets!  When I was introduced to the sandbag on Wednesday it was with 10 pounds...this morning i used a 15 pound bag, so I really needed that extra push!
I think during a station that had a "short" lap I made some real progress in my attempt to turn a lite jog into a run and was able to churn out two short laps (not walking!) and a mini-lap (modified lap 😏). I realized that my mind steps in when I am 'running' and a lot like it tricks me with the 'alarm game', my mind gets all caught up in my thoughts and makes me think I can not keep going...
Maybe that is a long wordy way of saying I let my fear of not being able to keep going slow me down.
No Fear!!! Just Keep Moving!
It is very strange feeling, all of these new aches and pains but all good! I am not feeling that lingering sore pain and I can walk away from most days and still sit down unassisted in a chair (or, yeah a toilet...thank you).

Made it home in time to enjoy My recovery 🎶Chocolate Milk🎶 straight from the carton (cause I {{{better be}}}am the only one getting to enjoy it)!

"May the Fourth be with You"
Give High Fives and/or Hugs Freely!

I might take a nap today.


-i

eating oatmeal with a fork

Scheduling conflicts opened up my morning and I will CG this afternoon (rain or shine, any weather all weather work-out) with a world class athlete even...I think this goes without my typing it...i am nervous.
Like i have said before, there are real visual issues and i take a lot of comfort in working out under the cover of darkness.

I am now typing to you from my Post Workout Bliss.
It was Awesome (although I think someone called me Grandma...😑👵WTfrick...)!
I took my six year old and one of his friends with me and they were awesome! The kids ran and played on the playground While. I. Worked.Out!!! My Boy was a surprise motivator, he clapped and pointed proudly as I ran* by and when walking past during sets he would throw a thumbs up my way. He has no idea how much that helps me and I love him all the more for that! In short...I loved having him there.
The group of people that I got to train with, such a beautiful group! Everyone beautiful and powerful! My training partner kept me sand bag slammin' and movin' through the burn and i am thankful for her encouragement!
Here is a thing...I am now at this late afternoon hour charged up for my day...
I kind of feel like i was sleepwalking through this morning and afternoon waiting for my alarm to go off and head out to work out...
On the upside of this charge...getting the kids fed, showered and to bed went really well (surprisingly well), so the focus, calm and patience gives extra credit to the workout!

If you are wondering...I did have my recovery chocolate milk at 5:15 and it was soooo good! Especially since that carton got to mock me all day!

By the time I got ready for bed...I was starting to feel the workout. Slight head ache, yes drinking more water and regretting not getting a foam roller.

This morning, I am starving and sore over All.this.Body! But I am not broken! I conjured an afternoon workout and I feel really great!

Focused, energized, shaky and sore but ready and right where i am supposed to be!!!
and sooo runing late for work....


-i

off day

I am not CGing today but while i acclimate to this wonderful new muscle hurt*/use in my shoulders (but like Mellencamp "Hurt so good" not REM "Everybody Hurts") 
I thought I would "get a little real" and dish some of my exercise/fitness history.

I grew up athletic'ish, tried out some sports (like scoring points for the opposing team tried out), rode bikes, skateboards and plop'd down in drill team for a few years in high school.

In 1997 I enlisted in the Navy and got into the best shape of my life, but at the cost of my right femoral Neck (right hip) and left hip to a lesser extent. With three pins embedded in my bone; that set off a metal detector once even, and an appointment to a "Temporary Retired Disabled Leave" classification, I was sent home...In great shape, but broken and patched up.

Flash forward to 2013...and I have had at least two major (one literally Life Saving) surgeries and...a beautiful bouncing baby boy, and my body is showing it...like "...so when are you due?" from strangers...showing it.
I signed up with a "Globo..." gym (that had a great kids care center), attending the group classes and got motivated enough to work with a trainer. The training sessions were tough, and intense but really good (...like i was getting back to Navy boot camp shape) until the last one...a free extra training sesh that ended up immediately halting all the progress and work I had put in.

We were doing some wall climbs, where I had to push my body up, throw my legs over, and push off and down the other side. I think I did it once, the second time though my arm failed me and I crashed down onto a half-a-foot-wide 'wall' my rib cage cracking a rib...I was workout broken.

Fast track 2.5 weeks ago... add my sweet (3 Year Old) baby girl to the life changes and reasons I've given up on my body column(s)
and the realized anniversary; 5 years since my work out "break-up",,,when I finally accepted my need to get my self "fit again". I find myself anxious for an accident, or incident that will end this honeymoon phase, when things start to fracture or break. I feel optimistic and encouraged by the people around me and my trainer(s). I have already fallen down, and have campers, team mates and trainers that help(ed) me up...I wasn't even bruised...just modified!
Tomorrow because of scheduling conflicts, will go to a different group at a different time of day for my work out and I am nervous. There is an underlying visual confidence level that helps me enjoy the early morning (dark) workouts, annnddd my kids might have to witness the nightmare is my face whilst working out.

I feel like I have leveled up...{{{going BOLD}}} perhaps.
I hope you enjoy reading this one as much as I enjoyed putting it down!

-i