Clumsy girl gonna clumsy

Stoopid mind...games. I don't know that I sleep super good anyway and after making the commitment to go Bold with CG I was anxious and could not get to sleep last night.  Don't get me wrong, I am stoked, dedicated and truly excited for this journey; it is just, after a long exhausting weekend I worry that my motivation for real ME time falls to the back burner, behind sleep.
My mind plays tricks, works its way into my dreams and fiddles with me, making me think i am awake and that i will not be able to hear an alarm or that I have missed it all together even. Just when i think i have defeated the game, I realize i have spent sleeping energy on not waking up, when i realize I am still asleep and begin to sleep MY Alarm goes OFF...It feels like I have been hitting the snooze button restlessly and not really sleeping.
The good news ...i think...i am handling it better...

Did not mean to bury the lead there...I am CG Bold!!! I have made a commitment to better my self! I have some really great support and like i have said already (probably a few times) I am already feeling results.  My energy level increased almost immediately and my motivation to just do anything has gone off the charts.  My patience and ability to play and keep up with my kids is almost overwhelming! They are so fun and I almost feel like i need to apologize to them for waiting so long to get my act together.

Today was a tough work out...I did not think i could dislike an exercise/movement more than Burpees...but that Macarena can double suck it!
I was lucky enough to be partnered with an actual energizer bunny and wow did she rock it!!!
I really appreciated her and my trainer who both picked me up when I crash landed doing side shuffles...all body parts are fine, wrist being iced and is good.
I am exhausted and spent, but charged and ready for my day.
I did run* the entire first warm up lap, but solidly walked the second with weights.
*and by run i mean maaayyybe it was a jog but definitely faster than...ok well maybe a delicate speed walk.

My hope is that the person(s) partnering up with me are getting a solid work out and not taking it easy because I am stumbling or actually falling down. I get such encouragement from this team and awesome group of people dedicated to their fitness.

I really thought that today was the day I would actually throw up (and briefly considered it when I got home..) but i did not...I got home and had my super delicious Chocolate Milk recovery right out of the carton! It was a challenge to not chug the entire thing, but well...moderation and all of that.

Give Hugs and/or High Fives Freely!!! Just keep moving!!!

Through Him and from my heart!

-i

A lot of wine...

ing here...

"Dora the Explorer" is on ... on repeat,
coffee is hot
i wanted to call in sick
my body is so tired

I am running my mind in circles trying to remember all of the things i say to the kids to motivate them or just use words to try to change/redirect behavior...
"Don't tell me you can't do something if you are not trying"
"you don't have to be the line leader to be a leader"
I guess because I am working now to change my own behavior (old/bad habits/routines) and create a more stable base to be...just better (eventually better than just better...) that i needed to get these words out. in letters. in front of my eyes.
Oy, change at my age is hard...i am so stubborn too. 

Camp Gladiator is (has already even!) giving me a routine, a stability in schedule (albeit Hella Early) that has created such positive change and great impact that I am more driven to press on than when I signed up. The waking up...that is happening. I think my biggest morning hurdle pops up before i even wake up; Devilish games my mind plays trying to pull me down and away from positive change and back into unproductive lifestyle choices.
I ran the first warm up lap!!! Mind you I am using the word 'ran' in the loosest sense of the word...it was really that "enthusiastic mall walker pace", but I kept it up the entire time and then a pretty solid "mom were going to be late for school pace" with 12 pounds in each hand for the second.
I did work, on some sets harder than others but my body is old, misused and All. The.way out of shape so I think it will be a bit before I can do ONE proper burpee or 60 legit reps of anything...I am In This though, I am in "Just Keep Moving" mode and i can feel myself winning! Thanks again to my fellow Campers and my Trainer(s) that keep me motivated and showing up!

I want to be a mom that my daughter aspires to be like.
I do not want to be like my mom.
I want my daughter to want to be like me, and not dreading the "oh, that reminds me of my mom" situations, moments and realizations.


Oh and my recovery was sooo Perfecto! But now...the quart sits there to mock me until my next workout...I guess I will have to find a weekend addition to workout ...#kidding #iwillwait

Give Hugs and/or High Fives Freely!

Through Him and from my heart,

-i

I am E'Pf-fin tired!...

...after suffering a dry itchy cough through the night. My brain played alarm mind games on me again; at some point I just began cycling through a familiar dream of being awake and going through my day as if I had already missed my alarm and CG.
I did not miss my alarm and was up pretty quickly, and my body is not so much sore right now, but worked; as I move through planned steps so as not to disturb my best man (anymore than I do on the daily...).
I love everything about the next part of my day...it is the reason I started CG, it is all ME time. This is the time I give myself to be thankful, give praise and accept that I am aging gratefully (while trying to be graceful).  So I get to camp and while I am still working on my runners lungs, I get a lot of motivation and encouragement from my fellow 'gladiators'!  There is so much strength in the amazing group of humans I get to work out with!
OmGosh...new goal...(besides getting off my knees for planks and push ups, and defeat burpees)...be the work out to be the partner that can/will pick up the extra reps!

So I made it through another morning work out and I am already looking forward to my next...Friday should be interesting since after my work out I have scheduled my InBody test. I am not totally sure what an InBody test is, but my guess is; to document where my body is now...weight, skeletal muscle mass, BMI (double ugh...) to track my progress(ion).

So...someone (who i consider "in the know") told me last weekend that chocolate milk is a really good recovery drink within 30 minutes of working out. To me this was The.Best.News!!! I love chocolate milk!!! I have been known to pound a pint of H-E-B chocolate milk...while still IN THE H-E-B PARKING LOT. I am talking take it out of the bag so the kids don't see it and Chug in the H-E-B parking lot. "Best News"!!! So I bought chocolate milk, and it is sooo difficult to see it in my refrigerator and not just grab it and drink it right out of the carton, but I do not. Chocolate milk has become my "sweet" recovery reward for working hard and I love it all the more now!

Those of you that are reading this, Thank you, Thank you, Thank you! Writing this out, putting my thoughts to words is my minds recovery and I hold hope that putting stuff out there will encourage someone, or start a conversation (maybe with ME* or better about ME*). I don't know, but i do know know it helps me*.
*cause who is This. really all about...

If you can't hug 'em, high five 'em, just keep your hands up!

Through Him and from my heart

-i

be the change you want to see in the world...

..i am going to start a little smaller and just be the change i want to see in myself.  It is so great to me to see the effects of just making an effort.  I am barely a week into my CG experience and this first weekend with my kids is showing me  the amazing effects of just three days of training.
Lots of fun this weekend, from an early morning soccer game, and evening saving the world from epidemic, a beautiful cave and a fun new game (we just made up) to play on the trampoline.  I list off these things because without the training that I had I do not think I would have done 1/2 of these things this weekend.  I have been suffering pretty hard from what I believe to be the affect of allergies...head, sinus, drainage, sore throat, low energy the whole lot.
An older version of me would have done a lot of laying around and a lot (more) complaining...I did not.
I pushed through and had a great time.
I did take some time about 6:30 to check out and let my body just rest.
Set my alarm for 5 and accepted that it was going to happen weather I wanted it to or not.

My "stoopid" brain plays such tricks on me. I am working to overcome my mind and just enjoy sleep.  See, my brain starts playing this game with me (and really it is any time I have an alarm set for ME and its only on Me to wake up and do something) while I am sleeping I get this idea that I have already overslept and my alarm has not gone off. I don't want to wake up to check because I know my alarm is set and .... see then I am awake but refusing to open my eyes ... I just want to enjoy All.The.Sleep while I have it and resting assured that I have set my alarm.
The getting up is pretty easy and I travel through the house in the dark, getting dressed and stumbling out the door grabbing a kids Zbar and water (but not drinking any yet cause...jumping jacks...).

That is the hardest part. No disrespect to my work out, 'cause I worked hard today (Thank You team "magnificent 3"  you two rocked! it (and we did end with that panda bear in our bucket so as far as I concerned...we won!!!).

You have probably not been waiting for it, but as this evolves and I get better at stuff...pictures...
today's image brought to you by the color red and my training my hair to become the bride of Frankenstein.

(i am so "un" savvy...i added some 3D effects and lightning bolts but couldn't get them to ^translate^)

Make today better than yesterday and give hugs and high fives freely!

Through Him and from my heart,

-i

hydrate, squats, hydrate, curse squats ...

...how long do you repeat? No idea...my guess is when you no longer have to ask for help getting off the toilet..

Getting up this morning was good I think, alarm went off, I got up and it was on.
I was paired up with a fellow who I have found a little intimidating and difficult to approach and has been training for some years.
I don't think he was super thrilled by it, but he accepted this 'lump' and played the game.
I want to be clear and say that I have absolutely no negativity to my training partner today, I am sure that he is a nice person, I don't know him.
I was (and AM) super sore and I was super dead last finishing warm up laps* (cause I walked the last 1/4 mostly). *first lap total jog...second lap with 12 pounds in each hand...not too shabby if i do say so myself...
My super NOT competitive team mate was definitely the brawn for team "Dead"poets (probably most of the brain too) and I was his catalyst to take it easy on himself this morning (even thought I don't know him, I think he still rocked a good work-out in spite of himself and the grumbling he was doing.
It is really a lot about {{{WHO??? That's right! ME!!!}}} how i feel I treated my team mate on Monday, so I totally get it, I just need to figure out how to push past my sore EVERYTHING and give more in spite of my own self.
I got a good workout this morning and I am thankful for my trainer and the support I am getting.
It sounds silly in my head but it needs to be said...I am truly encouraged buy all of the encouragement.

Burpees still suck, but they suck a little less because I got a modification to help repair that relationship.  I can not help but feel like I am about to lose some type of battle with gravity when I start to do them and it is a fear of total arm failure, leading to face plants that is holding me back...I am anxiously working toward better Burpee form...put that one in my goal(s) column.

A nice little side effect of my focus on training, has been a clarity and focus that I have been missing for a looooo............nnnnngggg time. I don't think that I will ever be able to leave a room just once, but I am finding that I am able to prioritize, and move smarter.  My patience, ability to take a beat or a breath, step back and assess before just losing my mind over something, is a very unexpected yet very welcomed side effect! And the added energy I am feeling when out doing what are usually mundane tasks or errands.  For example, after finishing my walk through my favorite warehouse supply with a basket full of 'bulk' I found myself running behind the basket pushing it up an ever so slight incline (totally thrilling my giggling bird) to my car that I had parked in one of the farthest spots from the door...near a cart return. It Felt Fantastic!
 I feel like i should also mention that I had gotten a running start with the cart and giggling bird by running, jumping on and riding the cart down the ever so slight incline towards aforementioned warehouse store.
Bonus...my Big Bird was feeling the benefit of some of my work...Big Bonus!

-i

So. Much. Sore and a most excellent blister...

Ok YES...anything involving my legs is excruciating, but I am trying. Flexing and using the tired muscles and trying not to rely on furniture, fixtures or walls to lower me into a chair (ok; honestly...the toilet). It is really my thighs that are the most sore, my upper body (arms and abs) are still a little tight but I would't say sore, just worked. I am cautiously "skep"tomisitc (#seewhatididthere) about my work out tomorrow morning.
 What is a "skep"tomistic you might ask...well I am optomistic that I will show up and I will try but skeptical that I will be physically able to.  I am super tired after getting homework done, dinner, showers (an actual fall in the tub) getting the kiddos read and to bed. I no longer feel like I have thighs but thick heavy immovable rocks in my legs...should make my posture and stance interesting for a morning warm up.

Here is a thing...today,  getting up to do anything, bending down to do anything, or walking anywhere: basically using any part of my body to move "hurts"; I am more motivated to move than ever to move just get my ass up and beat down soreness and stiffness.   

And now something still painful but a little uplifting cause, well, my kid can use a hot glue gun safety ((WhootWhoot)) while working with the boy to complete a school project.

..."be careful" she* told the boy, "This is hot", "do not touch this part, it is hot",
"good job, be careful"...and then what does she do...grab a blob of ultra hot glue and burn the literal snot out of her finger tips.
*"she" is me in this scenario BUT...even though I am talking about my children...This is still about ME!!!  it hurt soo bad!
I was trying so hard to hover and protect him from using the hot glue gun that I in turn hurt my self with a most excellent blister...
Oy, I gotta learn to let my kid be coached (by me) and then remember not forget to be the coach.

I have also gotta publish so I can get to bed. 5am comes Soooooo.Early!!!

Through Him and from my heart

-i

I pushed the snooze button...

...but got up a minute later. My abs were really starting to feel the crunch from Mondays workout when I went to bed last night, but as I woke things seemed to have calmed down; as I could sit up on my own with out assistance.

Today I worked hard(er), better and even apologized to a mate who I feel I may have cheated a little out of a full work out because he was my partner and I don't feel I gave near 100% (or as close as I did today anyway) at our last workout.
I did 'run' (2 laps*) to warm up, but at only a slightly higher MPH than an enthusiastic mall walkers pace and then a second lap with weights. My body started aching and I had to really be mindful of breathing if  about 1/4 of the way into the second (weighted) lap but I was encouraged knowing that when I got back I would be finished with the 'warm up' {{{nervous sweating emoji}}}
*by lap i mean an oval like square.. maybe 1/2 (or 1/4 even) the size of an  actual track

I learned a lot this morning, maybe because I was training and allowing myself to be trained or maybe it is because I know that I am not in control of anything other than taking care of myself and my body is a large part of me...

Some takeaways from a day two:

+Mountain Climbers are easy until your Trainer shows you how to do them properly

+Burpees can suck it

+Twelve pounds in each hand quickly becomes 1,000 when doing weighted squats or overhead presses...or...well.........anything involving arms

+it is going to take me an extra three minutes to do anything involving sitting down or standing up for the next two days (seven minutes if a task involves any kind of a squat motion) Oddly enough, im not mad at squats...yet i think.

+ I do work well on a team, but better on a team that receives and gives encouragement (whatever the pace ) getting the work done.

My trainer complimented me on my increase in stamina and is "proud" of me!!! I must say I feel quite proud too!

Things are getting done in the mornings and bedtimes are just a little more respected. My body is sore but not achy which i think is a good thing; for me definitions are as such:
>sore is a subtle reminder to stretch have some water and that I'm doing something good for my body...
>achy means sick...

Through Him and from my heart

-i

accidentally shaved my husbands head bald...for the second time

 I did not shower, or even take off my comfy new $10 workout wear until it was time to get ready for bed!!! I wore those clothes like trophies! All.Day!

Since I have a day off and I'm pretty sure nobody want to sit and read me whine and moan about
..how sore my shoulders are
or
about how, now that I am starting to get my body hydrated 'better' I am more terrified than ever that tomorrow morning, during jump and jacks, that I will pee everywhere.

No, nobody wants to read that.

I think I would like to talk about how I worked through my anxiety over this life change; as i feel as though beginning sometime Friday evening I began rapid cycling through the five stages of grief...maybe for the life that I so desperately need(ED) to change.

1. Denial...the "What have I just done, what was I thinking...how could I have literally "committed" myself for so much Work??? And early mornings even!!!!
2. Anger...for All the parents, family and friends... to anyone in the path or wake of my attitude on the soccer field Saturday morning during that cold, windy and Cold soccer game, my most sincere apologies, I don't deal well with change.
3. Bargaining...I accidentally shaved my husbands head bald... this was probably at the base of anger and just warming up in to, turning brad into 'Sampson' and cutting off ALL his hair. Truthfully I just forgot to put the guard on (yes, again). Never did I intend to "make" him bald.
4. Depression...I did not really have time for this one since I had a once in a while date night so I kind of rushed through this to
5. Acceptance...I set my alarm clock for "prior to the but crack of dawn" and wend to bed before it was even dark outside.

All in all I think I am handling things ok. I am trying out a supplement, vitamins and eating a little better already. Well not really, but I feel like I am making better choices anyway.

I do need to mention that on an "off" day like today where I am beginning to search my brain for fresh new excuses as to why I don't need to get up and train on that I am getting so much encouragement from so many and I am so incredibly thankful and unbelievably grateful to have such support and enthusiasm from friends and family! From the very bottom  of my heart, Thank you!

I am cautiously optimistic about tomorrow mornings workout and reluctantly excited to wake up and get going. I will re-up on Aleve and continue to hydrate so much that I have to stop everywhere I go  and use the restroom (at least twice if I am doing any kind of browsing).

Through him and from my heart,

-i

First 5:30am workout in the Bank

Getting up today, the first day was not so bad...got dressed in the dark (which works because anyone who enjoys a 5:30 am workout is doing so in the dark...). I woke up a few times in the night and refused to look at the clock so that when my actual alarm went off I would be surprised and not have wasted any time on how much longer I could sleep.
Today was not awful...i did not puke, i did not collapse into a weeping ball of goo and refuse to go any further...I did it.  And I will probably stay in these super comfy $10 athletic pants all damn day!!!  May even wear them to swing by and get some more $10 comfy athletic pants.

Seriously though, it was tough, I did a lot more walking than jogging, I modified All.The push ups and those stupid, dumb "Johnny C's"...whoever that guy is needs a nut-punch (right after that Burpee fellow). I am still nervous and anxious...pretty sure I will not be able to use my arms tomorrow but that wont matter because my abdomen will probably render me immobile after those....banana Gut busters.

My Trainer is awesome, she texted me to make sure I was up and even followed up with an encouraging text post work out! I looking to see what else i can do tomorrow (probably nothing) but am looking forward to my next workout on Wednesday!

*afternoon~evening Update...I AM SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO TIRED.....
 I fell asleep playing Castle with my kid. Sitting up straight even! I think i felt it the moment my rear end hit the cushion, it was like a nice cozy rest blanket fell on my shoulders and my head was bobbing like a...well like a bobble head does.
I had to pull it together and go get my other kid from school but believe me the second we got home i was face down in the sofa and OUT for at least 37 minutes. Im not gonna lie, there is a good chance drool happened.

I should wrap this up by saying I am no less enthusiastic about this journey, I worked this vessel harder this morning than I have in Years! honest. and I will probably be in bed (maybe asleep even) before a SUR server has their first drink...(Vanderpump Rules ((on at 8pm for reference))Ya'LL!!!).

tomorrow though...{{{sigh face emoji}}} Pray for me!

Through Him and from my heart,

-i

Tomorrow. Morning. 5am

Tomorrow. Morning. 5am

Reasons why, Goals,

legit - lose weight (in the next 4 weeks maybe 12 pounds?) I don't know what a realistic decline for my body and sadly neglected physique is.

Improved strength and flexibility; opening up and using muscles that haven't been properly trained and taken care of is going to be sore inducing and i am not looking forward to it. The good new here is that I am looking past it and looking at my why and that already feels worth it. 

I know my knee is going to start hurting immediately and my feet will follow.

All day I have been trying to let go of expectations, take "this leap" and allow myself to be trained.  

Its funny, I had the hardest time learning to and just let my son be 'coached'; standing back and just letting him be coached without butting in or trying to lead him...If I can do that for my son, I can do it for myself...that is after all, why I am starting this long overdue change...all for me; well and for that ripple effect of goodness that comes with taking care.

I hope to be able to post again tomorrow sometime, if your following along with me, make sure your seat backs and tray tables are in the upright and locked position....It will be a bumpy ride.

Through him and from my heart,

-i

Today (well yesterday...cause procrastination)...

Today  (well yesterday...cause procrastination)...I signed up for CG!!!  For anyone who might not know, CG is Camp Gladiator. I have avoided, made excuses and yes (sorry, so sorry) actively ignored this opportunity for far too long.  I am apprehensively excited and anxiously giddy. I don't mean anxiously like a kid getting ready for dance; but anxiously like trying to get through a crowd at a concert because you're slightly buzzed and really have to pee.
Anyway, I needed to take a survey to complete my profile set up to begin and in my 'elderly' tech excitement to get the app set up I gave quick answers to ensure set up. I have since thought that if I am going to make this work I. just me, only me can be accountable for my results. and I will need to find ways to 'Purge' (if you will) my journey along the way.


Questions and answers (as i remember them...):
"Why" do you want to work out...(my answer was self esteem something something)...this question was multiple choice and I really feel like my answer is All the choices.
so, "why" am i doing this?...
well definitely  to lose some weight, but remain realistically to improve my self esteem, to feel comfortable in my body, my skin and clothes.  I want to get to a healthy weight and I'm not going to lie...I want my work to be noticed!  Ha, i am me...still in my truest form...i am doing this to make it MORE about me!!! I am my own favorite subject! As i think about it...This is something i can do whole-ly for me, and I know that the results I get out of it will be the reflection of what I put in.  I will be able to use this time, as me, as an individual to take care of Me. Something I can have in the midst of being a wife, a mom This is the something I can do with me and for me.

another question was (something to the extent of..) What is a goal in the "why"...and for me the answer is self confidence. I am a stubborn old bird and I finally learned, figured out or saw that the way I am treating (have treated) my body is no longer ok...it hasn't (ever really) been good, but i feel that helps me and only gives me one direction to go...up (hopefully because i will weigh a little less.

That question got me thinking about just the basics of beginning a work out routine.  I feel like I should set some goals, and see how total my transformation is in my 4*weeks.
*i guess because of my timing i am getting an extra week. Due to my feelings toward my fitness level I am not counting it but looking to it as 'warm up'...all good routines have them {{{wink wink emoji}}}

So Goals...obvi, loose weight, improve body image, rembember and remind myself that I am strong, brave, faithful, gifted and able.
Oh...Goal: To get healthy and fit and able be around to give my kids as hard a time as i *usually always enjoy* them giving me!


So join me on this adventure...or don't,,, if you pray, please for me on this journey and I will do my best to return this favor in kind by being open, honest and literally working my ass off.
Oh...Goal: To get healthy and fit and able be around to give my kids as hard a time as i have been enjoying* them giving me!

Through him and from my heart,

-i