An unofficial beginning is still a start...

This; what happened...happening.

It Seems to me; weird to talk about anything in a past tense when I have been at this for just 'some' months...but my results {{{the CHANGES }}} are obvious, rapid, exhausting, painful and at moments overwhelming, but nonetheless AWeSome!

When I signed up for CG (with two of my spirit animals, a fierce mama bear and a strong mother of doggos) I knew I needed to be doing something for my health and/or fitness, but I was in a lazy passive aggressive denial zone. My heart knew I was ready to make some real lifestyle changes and that is what pushed me to sign up.
Before the ink was dry i could feel my mind mixing the mortar to build walls of "you can't do this!"

44 years (i was 43 when i started this post...facepalm emoji), 2 kids (3.5 years post being Done having babies!), about 60 pounds overweight, tired, without a schedule structure, a legit fear of change and a penchant for sugary snacks and junk food is where my CG began.....at.5:01am...

This journey started with its lots of bumps (speed, sharp corners, mild and steep inclines) but with more modification than i was prepared to/Not ashamed to admit, I have picked up the pace, begun milling down the sharp corners and made it up some hills (ok, ramps and steps because {{{♪stadium dash♪♫}}} I live in a concrete jungle).

Some of the real benefits of a newfound energy and fitness level is that I am having more fun with my kids in their activities and our daily adventures! I feel a more alert; even if I do feel the need to grab a quick nap (definitely during weeks of interval or endurance...) and more adventurous in my approaches to work, domestic labor, mom(ing), and my life in general.

This effort comes with feeling uncomfortable*, A lot of growing PAINs and even more sore muscles and bones, but ",,,weakness leaving the body", "...makes us stronger", "...you get what you give", "...its your workout", "...strive for progress"
and my most favorite right now....

“When God wants you to grow He makes you uncomfortable...”* i don't know who 'penned' this but it has resonated with me since seeing it on social media somewhere over the last week or so...it has helped me to realize how little i listen and pay attention to myself...i have made myself so busy looking at what others are doing/how they were doing (it) and not following, taking or making my own path to just get stuff done {{{epic facepalm emoji}}}

And I’m just going to get out in front of my another current “life mantra”...(or perhaps new soon to be updated facebook description)...

“uncomfortable is my new inconsistency...”
 cause
 “learning and growing...always in all ways" is how i do and something i preach to my peeps.
...additionally because i love alliteration...

☝☝☝☝☝☝☝☝☝

this "jump rope situation" did little to help me feel better about all of the changes, but finding the humor in the reality of being a woman (and birthed her babies...) is humiliatingly humorous... 

A first time ever... CG Stadium dash (I so hope this becomes an annual ‘dash’!!!) so much internal turmoil that surrounded actually showing up ...
- my hope to get the best  involved
- my absolute desire to get my best On.The field at DKR/Memorial stadium
-an earsick kid
-being an earsick kids mom
-Also, battling with my mind (as it scoops cement, building a wall) that is filling the expanse full of doubt in myself that my body will be able to do this even.


A testimony to the CHANGES it that I did the CG stadium dash...by myself but with an entire community! Made a friend walking up and met up with some friends to 'dash' with, as I was walking up I was so excited and nervous but any walls that my mind had built crumbled as soon as I was in line with this awesome CG group of humans! 

I am beyond grateful for the people that help raise me up and remind me that I can do it and that push me to push myself!
Thank you CG!

an eventual Renewal

Just end me now... I have to get my license renewed and I am told the wait is about two hours for this service...the entire scene is something out of a really bad movie... From the moment I walked in the door the monotony of bureaucracy has been in my face. I  walked out of a roped line waiting area three times, passed the admin/help desk twice, talked to a very pleasant trooper, actually walked Out the door (one time) and then back in to attempt to wait this out.

One of my first thoughts as I sit here is that they should really have bench seating as opposed to the individual plastic seat chairs. It is (((was))) super awkward to have to weasel my way into a seat between groups of individuals or an individual... I have just been "checked on" by someone I guess works here and overheard that the wait for the service [i'm needing] can be up to two and a half hours..."that's the most time...you would have to wait..." Oy! With any luck I... "...could fall I somewhere before that..."

There are sooo many desks, booths and waiting areas and so few people filling them that it seems obvious why the wait is so long but begs the question,,, Where are all the employees?
SPOILER ALERT: The closer we got to closing up time, the more desks, booths and work areas were filled and working

So. I sit wedged in between two absolute strangers, a nice fella from Texas but who moved back to TX from Tulsa and a man who is looking straight forward in an effort to avoid any kind of human contact.
"No Contact Guy" gets up and I get to spread out a bit, balance my cheeks in between two chairs to save up some elbow bumping space and enjoy a little personal space in a wide open waiting room of people who want as much to do with me as I want to be there!

Then a very nice older man proceeds to ask if anyone is sitting...and of course I say "no, please...," and he proceeds to sit, sandwiching himself between me and a couple next me; thankfully I still have an empty chair space between me and Tulsa ...the seemingly nice man begins shuffling through his backpack pulling out file folders and futzing through loads of documents as he is plays a solo game of elbow hockey with my left side. At some point I realize the old sport is standing (still between me and the couple to 'his' left) adjusting his pants and doing something with his belt...maybe that is what he was getting out of his backpack during the second half {of elbow hockey}. Reflecting back on it, it seems like wildly inappropriate behavior; but since i did not pick my eyes up during the 'happening' i decided to not rely on my peripherals and leave it alone.
To my right, in a chair next to where Tulsa was sitting is a very talkative woman having very long and loud conversation(s) and it is wildly annoying. I feel like I should know her name, as I know so much about the people in her life. There was a kiddo behind me with a pretty shrill cry (repeatedly "shrill crying"), so I turned around and chatted with him (yes I did all the talking, the kids gave me the "are you crazy?" look the entire time) for a moment or two (really I was chatting through him and to his mom who, like myself wasn't expecting such long wait times) and the shrill screaming stopped 😎...
I finally got up and moved away from the phone talker. I needed to Not hear her voice and stories anymore.  I could no longer take it; and as, I no longer have the old timer next to me to listen to as he grumbles to me? or to himself...(((I am not sure)))...I moved to a seat where I could watch the numbers on the monitor climb ever.so.slowly closer to mine without having to hear about whatever "Tiffany and James and Peter" were up too.

 Being someone who has been recognized as, called out for and pushed to tears because I am a loud talker, I 'didn't listen" ((and didn't call her out)) as long as I could.  But this one...had zero awareness, mindfulness or care about anyone around her; and after some point in that waiting room, the more i heard her words and stories the more frustrated and annoyed I got...so i moved far enough away to muffle out her words.

Watching the screen nonstop as my number approached...8 more, 7 more...6,5, 4......
......
Finally me!!! My number was there on the screen!!! I had waited through over 85 numbers and to see my combination of digits on that screen I was elated! I danced around in search of table, booth, desk number FIVE (5)...oddly after turning around in many circles and looking every bit as crazy as I felt, I found the area with the number five hanging above it...it was that admin/help desk that i had walked by more than once over two hours ago...I walk up, wait for "Jerrel" to make eye contact and hand him my number.  He just looks at me (clearly as confused as I am) so I say something to the effect of, here is my number it just popped up on the screen for this desk, I am here to renew my license..."Jerrel is obviously a person that has nothing to do with me getting this service done.
He says to me he says, oh I was just deleting numbers I must have pushed yours by mistake...
I think it is important to pause here and note that i did not loose my shit, but that i recognized that this was the kind of setting that pushes mildly depressed, anxious, hangry people (such as myself) All.The.Way.over the edge.

Jerrel shuffles around discarded old tickets around as i ask, in my calmest there is a sheriff over there voice..."so should i continue to wait? what happens now?". Jarrel waves me off and tells me to wait over there (where I was waiting before for 2.5 hours) and it shouldn't be long.  After five minutes (that was too long to have to sit and watch people whose numbers were after mine get the service they need, while now repeatedly being passed over) I went back to Jarrel and said "Sir, how much longer will I have to wait? I have been mostly patient these last two and a half hours and find this very aggravating."
Still not having apologized, still not making eye contact and still avoiding the situation he says it should be there...
Finally (imagine the voice of Ariel when she gets her voice back from the sea witch Ursula) my number re-appears and I get my license renewed in about TWO Minutes {{{angry, sad, sullen, annoyed, ecstatic, elated emoji}}} and I am finished.

I left, renewed and full of joy that I should'nt have to go through this again for at least the next ten years.

stride, modify and embrace change

i need to find my stride (in all things 😶 i suppose)

i need to work on my stride [as i sit here i think back to the times when I was in my stride, and what that felt like]...to find, remember or realize my stride...here is a 'but-kicker' or 'burpee'...my stride will have to 'change' as my path shifts or as my pace (or drive even) adjusts to a task; i am going to have to embrace change.

Pretty much the moment I get going into a "double time" I begin to feel like I am just going to fall down dead if I run another step; or run smack into a wall that went up at my start somewhere along the way. So my trainer says to me, she says "...you will find your stride..." and it resonated
Stride: a step or stage in progress toward an aim...Granted it also simmered on the back burner of my brain for days...

Once my ears quit ringing and thoughts settled down what i heard was..."It is Okay to Modify!!!"
Modify: make partial or minor changes to (something), typically so as to improve it to make it less extreme.
This is not something (i remember) any one person saying but it is something that I have learned. I am not saying that i have never been told "do not modify", it just means i realized that if there is truly no shame in my game, I have to be honest and realistic in my approach to conditioning and training my body.  Modify the lap!!! I modify other exercises (definitely insert someone saying to me "here is a modification for this"...) why not modify the long ass warm up lap(s)...I actually facepalm(ed) myself when this was suggested...why in the Sam H.E.DoubleHockeySticks didn't I think of that?

On an off day, I got a wild hair and ran/jogged/double timed to the mailbox...(the most glorious work affirming (striding!) four tenths of a mile) and it was awesome! and I got to do this with my kids who were amazing, supportive and (frankly) faster than me!

I have to embrace change...and stop building walls to avoid it.
{{{spoiler alert! i have already started , and had no idea , #CHANGEingMiLife }}}
?why do I get so frustrated???...with my kids or an alternate schedule or a work challenge?
... Because things are changing (and i have come to feel like I don't do well with change)
...i feel like when things are changing i will lose (the) little bit of control in whatever it is I have been working on because things are different, new to me. {{{double mind blown emoji}}}

Then...a foam roller...
a friend gave me one some years ago and it got moved around a lot and used a few times but not actually using a foam roller.

You see,,,the way i see it... Actually using a foam roller requires Needing to use a foam roller and if you need to use a foam roller you have been doing some work and can actually (by actually ((here)) i mean properly/effectively) use a foam roller...#yagetme?
I spent a few days rolling around on the floor on my back, even trying to get my kids to foam roll me before i figured out to stand against the wall...{{{insert another facepalm here}}}

I have been able to, and find more energy to be more productive and just better. I am working to embrace burpees (they are still uber stoopid!!!) and overcome my own anxieties that I am not good enough to be good.

i am Thankful, i am Grateful and i am good.

until next time,
...thanks for reading

the first time we were pregnant...

  About a week before my first prenatal visit (~6.5 weeks) I started spotting so I went into my OB's office and had an exam and after some perceived hesitancy from my doc who felt this was just a little bit of "probably nothing to worry about", I was scheduled for an ultrasound later that day.
 So my first prenatal ultrasound was with a technician who after searching around my uterus for a moment asked me... "are you sure your pregnant?"...and promptly ended the exam.
 My Best Man and I sat in shock on a waiting room bench in a foyer of the doctors office only to be told we could go home. There was no discussion about what to do next or about what had just gone through; or as we would soon come find out, what we Were experiencing.
 This was the first time i heard the term "spontaneous abortion" as that was the only explanation  we were given as to why I was (apparently) no longer pregnant.  Everything was so numb at that point that even if i could have brought myself to ask the questions, nobody was there...We were alone (sitting there on an island, in a busy ob/gyn office where we had just been handed devastating news). Alone.
 After tears and a lot of discussion about how or why we felt this happened and eventually decided that we would be fine, and regardless of this loss, we would try again.
 A week or two later is when things really got strange. I had not heard from my doctor's office and was told when we left the office that anything left in my body would flush naturally, so I continued life as I knew it, dental appointments, Vicodin for dental pain/anxiety and a particularly fun night full of libations and laughter. Waking up the next morning with a hangover and what I thought was a giant gas bubble in my belly made the idea of going to work a little daunting, but I was ready to go an hour and a half early, kissed my husband goodbye as he went off to work and let him know that I wished I could "poot".
 Little did I know that what was really happening was that my right Fallopian tube had burst open due an ectopic *ectopic pregnancy:a pregnancy in which the fertilized egg implants outside the uterus* pregnancy. Unbeknownst to me, over the next few hours my abdomen began filling with blood. I called a neighbor over because I was pretty sure I had passed out and I suddenly was so drenched in sweat that I was no longer wearing clothes. My best was called to come home and my job was called to let them know I was too sick to come in (damnit it!!! I was ready to go early, prepared to take that day!!!). It was not until my husband made it home from work, helped me to the bathroom, watched me pass out and vomit (one right after the other) that we decided to call an ambulance (since I could no longer sit up with out blacking out) to come get me.
The EMTs that got me to the hospital were kind (putting socks on my sadly/badly maintained toes as my neighbors gathered to check on the 'sitch...) but it was the slowest bumpiest ride and my husband made it to the ER before we did...
Here is a thing...

..this is all happening like two weeks after our perceived miscarriage, and having found out about it after an ultrasound and hearing those words i will never forget..."are you sure your pregnant?"...anything maternity related was not even on my radar, honestly by the time I got to the hospital I could barely keep it together just to breathe, as the pain rushing through my body was becoming unbearable. 
It was my best man that thought to mention to the attending about our miscarriage (basically saving my life) when we began to piece together what was happening. Things get pretty fuzzy from here, I remember there was a woman in the 'curtain' next to me in actual labor and I kept apologizing because I was making such horrible noises that I didn't want to scare her...

Once my doctor arrived and began to examine me I had some kind of seizure...she told everyone to back up and push some morphine that we needed to get to an O.R. Things are fuzzy(er) still from this point but I saw clearly the pain in my husbands face and had it not been for the morphine cloud i suddenly found myself on, I would have hugged him tight and told him how much i loved him...as his face was telling me.  I don't know that I will ever be able to fully relate how sorry I am for leaving him alone with no answers or clarity or even reassurance that I, that everything was going to be fine.

 I woke up in recovery to find I had my right fallopian tube had ruptured (due to and ectopic pregnancy) and been removed, that I had been bleeding internally and had two liters of blood removed from my belly and also been given a transfusion of two units and the best part of waking up (definitly not Folgers folks)...my amazing Best Man smiling down at me.

The i in team...

🎶red means stop, green means go, and yellow is in the middle and that means slow🎶
that is just a little ditty I started singing with the kids to work on safety signs and colors...its fun and mildly valuable if your kids like to sing songs and don't ever. stop. talking/singing...


When i actively started a change (a project) with CG I got a red shirt...and I stopped.  For five solid weeks I worked and I pushed and i hurt and I made some differences. Then some change happened and I slipped. I've stumbled to a stop and have let myself quit.

I don't do well with change and for a “bold” week, I received a full plate of change. I did not train, work out (put on shoes with laces even), or exercise for an entire week. I’m not proud of this; really I am frustrated at my inability to dodge the jabs of change and just roll past the punches of progress.
A real problem with red a red light is this; that I have gotten really good at building walls and by good I mean they go up quick. By the time i see a green light (usually in the rear view), I have already u-turned and (wait for it...) “CHANGED” my route.
I skipped through the first day back of endurance (cause i am mostly lazy and mostly always lame) and felt the weight of that decision for two whole days.
So after 14 days of no working outs with one and one extra day to feel super weighty and guilty about...

I would be remiss if i did not mention that i did see my doctor at the beginning of my 'hiatus' and she indicated that the pain i have been experiencing in my arm is most likely tendinitis [[[audible eyeroll emoji]]] giving me a medical condition of validation to red light my "project".

...I went back.

I was not super nice to start, but I was there and with each step i (mall walk'ed) ran, and all of the impressive encouragement (that got me into this in the first place) my mood was improving.
It was hard, there was a lot of running and a lot of teamwork from those who were grouped with me, I made it through and everything about my day was better for it!
Well...except my left arm...i don't really know how I am going to proceed with that, ibuprofen helps a good bit now. In all sincerity, i don't even know that it is the "CGing" that has caused it and not this blog (repetitive motion and all of that)...that i am hanging on to by a thread...

As i learn more about myself and grow out of bad habits and into better ways, i find that change isn't a bad thing...and a boost to that...it is not permanent! The fact that change happened simply means that change CAN happen, not game over, a course adjustment so that more, positive change Will happen!

-i

Almost Isn't...a project decends

Yesterdays work out was tough but, walls* were climbed (kinda like a bear even 🐻😱)!
*i have actual work out with walls issues...see "off day" post...
Let me start with, I got up! Through the entire process of waking and dressing, my mind was telling me I didn't need to do 'this', i did not need to go, my left arm is super tweaked and i should rest it another morning...My heart won!  i didn't want to incur the verbal/social media blast or pack on to any guilt or shame for not showing up (((gotta get that check in!!!))) aaannndd i was already awake....

i did 30 stoopid burpees!!! I bear crawled forwards and backwards, Suckin' awesome; but i will be honest...a bear crawl is really just an ambulatory burpee...a burpee soo stoopid it tries to get away...

Now I need to figure out this running thing. It is not in the same stoopid catergory of suck as bear crawls or burpees, but i get to a point where i hit a wall and just can not keep a pace. I am aware of my breathing and then i forget how to use my breath...then panic...but an aware/controlled panic where if i just walk...things will be ok.  Luckily I get to train with a trainer and "trainees?" that are encouraging and motivating!

I am sore to my core! Oddly, i am moving more and doing more through that soreness.  On Tuesday i 'started' 5 loads of laundry...I FINISHED FOUR* OF THEM!!!
*finished is defined here as, folded and put away!!! my best man folded and put away the fifth {swoon}.
I have cleaned out my garage, assisted an underground field trip of 40+ five and six year olds, and overall just been more actively participating in my own life and it feels fantastic. i do feel quite selfish though...all of these positive feels and changes are happening to me and there are so many more that are trapped in their OMG 'MindSet(s)'...{{{my face/head mindblown emoji}}}...

My mind is a dangerous place for me to get lost in, i know this now. Living love, pressing into my heart, following my heart, as my heart ... has not/will not lead me astray.

I don't want to quit this "Project" i have started with this blog, but I don't know how to go about getting any feedback, any comments, any...thing.
My mind tells me that is because this is stupid, illegible, unintelligible.
My heart reminds me that writing my heart has always been one of my dreams.

Found a printed note with borders (from at least 25 years ago)

"It has taken a long time to figure anything out,
It is not about what you get,
It is about what you give.
How you are perceived is what you give off.
Alone in a room full of people...
People who are close but strangers in the eye of this loner.
Caught in a world of i,
trying to push in to the we(s) and us, to be a part and not so far apart.
Babbling along in a sea of who, why, how, when and where.
Is there anybody out there?
Anyone whol feels the struggle, emptiness?
Lost in a sea of bottomless hope,
Locked into a trunk filled with good intentions and broken promises.
Where is the Key to unlock and release all of the pain inside?"

things that appear in italics were added at the time of this post...
It came to mind as I was typing and I was able to find it at first thought...so...i'm gonna publish myself!

Thank you.

-i

i don't do well with change...

...that is not to say that I don't like change...
i just do not do well with it. For some time I have thought of myself out there as go with the flow, I work well in any kind of environment blah, blah, blah...i am full of crap.
I love structure, I need schedules and bullet points (i may even want the fine print 😲)!
If You have read any of my previous posts, you already know that I consider myself a project starter.
This blog is definitely a project and CG, the work i am doing on my self.... probably the biggest (certainly the best) change I can* make (for myself). 
*i think it is noteworthy that while editing i changed the word can...from could...i can do anything!

I woke as soon as my "Champion" alarm went off and I was up... with different mind games this morning. As i stumbled through the motions of dressing and getting out the door the actual soundtrack of self doubt was playing on quick repeat; "you can not do this, there is no way you can run, this is going to be too hard"...over and over. I pushed through and showed up.
The people that I get to train with are the best! I "ran" (((slow double(ish))) time really)  the entire first lap, with all the credit due to a creeper camper that encouraged me so much (i mean "creeper" in the best possible sarcastic? way!!!). I was really nervous about todays work out because it involved soo.much."running"...but today...I trained. I was encouraged, I pushed, and while I did not complete the board I completed the work out and set a goal to increase my stamina and be able to make it to the group that completes the board...probably not next time, but another goal is set.  Speaking of goals...still not off my knees for push ups but I am getting there with the form and i don't even dislike them anymore...Burpees remain stoopid.

I tell my kids all the time...seriously all.the.time...."Don't tell me you can not do something if you are not trying..." and today; damn did I have to try. And damn it! I did it. It was not pretty, it was messy (soo humid and hot this am), and it was mostly modified but it was did and i am already stronger today for it.  Thank you

Looking at it now, giving myself the project starter description is/was a way of giving myself an out...because as a project changes, I get spooked...I have a reason to quit...
It has always been easier for me to walk away/quit something because something changed...in my 'mind' leaving/stopping isn't on me...it is on the change...
Reading and re-reading this, trying to find a way to put into words this flawed logic that I grew up with just looks well...burpee stoopid!

see...I like change! And going forward I think I will do better!!!

-i

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