Courier and Trebuchet topped with a little Georgia

 did I do anything today that I need to appologize for?

If we were not made to be flexible, we would break when we tried to bend. 

But, if you don't try then you haven't started anything at all.

I love the {feeling of} anonymity that typing a blog post gives me.  my fears, tears and scares are not visible through the font, but yet there is a vulnerable transparency that eases in realization and letting go of hurts, haunts and shame.   

that feeling of anonymity typing it out gives me...my fears, tears and scares are not visible through the font, but yet there is a vulnerable transparency that eases in to realization(s) of letting go of hurts, haunts and shame.

before then after i published this, i adjusted the font (from a limited list of choices) to Trebuchet.

Then i got to thinking about what a trebuchet is...

Trebuchet: a machine used in warfare for hurling large stones or other missiles

This is my battle font!

The idea of my words being the large stones or missiles and they keyboard and fingers (omg, my Pen!!! if i learn to write this font) being the "machine", hurling large truth stones or righteous bombs into and at my doubts, fear, shame, hurt, [at my enemies] absolving me/myself and i.

Good Friday on the seasons Black Friday

The day after our first time to host Thanksgiving Dinner and my Best Man is in the attic sending down Christmas decorations…the kids are mildly involved but mainly because they want a chance to climb the ladder into the attic.

Once engaged they were helpful, but when we had gotten both kids and all supplies down, Henrys desire and obligation to help any longer was fulfilled. My best was on to begin his post turkey day sports ball ritual(s) and my big bird was all on to get the holiday cheer spreading through our halls!

Since breakfast we had already had multiple conversations about “Grand(s)” [Granny, Grandpa, Grandma, Gran, Aunt, etc…] but with holiday decorations…all of my familial sentimentality is strewn about; and this year, [bittersweetly, the first year] it feels warm, wonderful, hopeful, delightful and exciting…

Padi, our greeter has finally been paired with his scarf! (I have had that pretty knitted yarn for years (at least 5) and it did not occur to me what it was or where it went until today!

I realized (last year) but formally this year that “the Best Worst gift” my Best Man gave me (6 years ago) is my most favorite  beacon of the season to display…and frankly, if it holds up well through the season, I may not take it down….ever….

And Finally the real story that started this …

This Guy…I’ve always called this guy “the creepy elf”, that is until today when Birdie named him… This wired little fella was given to me [us] by my MomPatty (my exceptional step mother) some years ago and even though I have thought of him as creepy (with his giant hands, pointedly proportioned ears and broken nose) he has a sweet smile and pretty blue eyes that keep him in cue for decoration every year.  So my decorating bird brings him out of his off holiday hibernation bag and is trying to sit him out on display and in doing so begins to disturb pictures (of her dearly departed Grandmothers)and knock things over. I rescue her and let her know that this is a mischievous little elf and she has to be careful and aware of where and how she is moving him about.  She walks around the corner and as she comes back around she lets me know that his name is MJ because he is mischievous and apologized for the accident in disturbing the pictures.

She goes on to point out that MJ has mistletoe on his cap and without thinking…I respond with “He is mischievous with mistletoe on his cap, as it helps him steal kisses.”…

It was very light but relevant conversation (and morning as we got to a stopping point before the 11 am Kickoff of the Texas V. Baylor game) and yet another reminder of Gods provision, great love and sense of humor for me.

Can not wait to see what tomorrow brings, getting to put up the tree and decorate it…fun fact…All the ornaments that decorate our tree have been either a) handed down to us, 2)been crafted colored or created by/for us and C)gifted to us or to each other… Lots and lots of stories from lots and lots of ornaments!!!

one hundred and eleven

this is me after one hundred and eleven check ins. One hundred and eleven work outs!
A work out after a day where i was not my best self. A work out that ended a terrible (rainy even) day with a literal rainbow.

living through Coronavirus

Test the random for better result(s). I don’t know anything about anything really but I feel like I am living with Coronavirus...and I am...in my state, in my city in all of the media feeds that I follow...but I feel like ..., well crap.
i don’t have (flu) symptoms; I’m not feverish, or ’anymore‘ lethargic , drained or tired than usual (double because of the gloomy weather and a sudden cold snap) and no shortness of breath or respiratory distress.  I do have a cough though...it is annoying,  and has been around for some time. And over the last 10 days or so I have had some headaches...beginning with what I can only describe as a migraine.
I couldn’t possibly have Coronavirus....there is no (obvious) exposure...
who could i of had  contact with, before this virus was known to have caught a flight and/or cruise ship, that could have exposed me...
...when i didn’t know to be aware of something like that...
So I have a cough...and it’s not going away, but I get a cough like this maybe once a year...so much so that one of the last times it happened, my nurse practitioner gave me a sample of an inhaler with a steroid to knock at it (i just enjoyed a puff of that remembering where it was). something that occurred to me after the puff side note... that inhaler...is a steroid inhaler and while it was great at knocking out my cough...it was not a great idea to puff it as I was (hoping) to go to sleep...
As I lay awake next to my dear husband who was finally asleep after wrestling with this and work and continue to cough feeling more and more like patient zero; i worry.
Now I pray, i press into God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit...i am scared.  I do look to my blessings, my Best Man, my kids (one of who has an annoying, chunky, lingering cough too) and pantry and refrigerator of food that seems smaller and smaller, less and less every time i begin to think about the next ...months...
My health situation isn’t exact ally ideal, but it isn’t without hope...i work out occasionally and overall I am more healthy that I have been in past seasons of my life. I battle with depression and anxiety (on my,own with out prescription medication) and that inevitably impacts my emotional and physical self and as this pandemic is beginning to panic others i feel drained, useless and unable to do anything.
Today is another day and I still have a cough and weather it is the crazy strength and agility work out I did yesterday or anxiety or coronavirus...i find myself more aware of taking deep inhales, where I can hear the raspy congestive-ness of whatever is keeping me in this cough. For someone with my emotional instability this is literally  "a very rock and weird place" to be...
So I reached out to "my" physicians office to see what my options were for relief , besides the menagerie of allergy and cough/cold OTCs in my medicine cabinet and i was offered an appointment 17 days from now...No chance of speaking to a nurse or looking at a file to see history..."just you can come in this day, does that work for you?"
My mind is spinning!

I’m not doing well.

right where i'm supposed to be

I moved just about three years ago and I have felt (from about the time i hired a moving company) that I made a huge mistake. I loved the house I was in (while i fully acknowledge our family was growing out of it), but what i realized as i was preparing to leave was that I was leaving a community...something I have struggled to find, feel or be a part of where ever i have 'lived' (apart from my immediate family).
Moving with two kids was not nearly the struggle I had made it to be in my mind,  but in my head is where I spend a good bit of my time. Seeing as how I still had things packed in boxes from moving into the house I was moving out of...
I am still unpacking and learning to make a home in this house I moved into, almost...three years ago.

The house we moved into, our home, was not a first choice (or second even) it was really a choice made out of my desire to move only this one time, not sign a short term lease, not put stuff in storage and not move into an apartment until we found 'our house'.
This house is our home and I did not start to (get over myself) accept that until about two years in...I spent that those first 18 months or so complaining about being too far away from the very thing I continue to struggle to find....community. I had moved away from the things that were parts of mine and my family's routine, stores and neighbors. I left my neighbors and have really only recently begun to connect with my "new" neighbors.

Somebody asked me recently, "Why did you move?" and  it was only until I began writing this post that i could give an answer...I am an impetuous impulsive.  I've named it, accepted it, am beginning to understand it and most importantly I am  moving forward.
I am finding that I am IN a community...and I have immersed myself enough to see the path that I have been on, the people I have met, "changes" i have made are all a part of my learning, growing and (most excitedly) being part of a community.
The school my kid(s) get to attend, the Teachers, Educators, Administrators, Staff and Parents involved with our school are absolutely "Tops" to me!  My kids enjoy being at school, learning and growing (albeit waaay too fast)...I attribute this to my kindergartner having the perfect fit of a kindergarten teacher, support, and encouragement and for all of these things to come together I had to be where I am.  I am home.

My path brought me to CG where I have...wait for it....A COMMUNITY of people on their own paths, people I get work out with and whose faces and high fives push me do better & be better. I have a stronger body and mind and have shown myself that I Can do anything I want to do; sometimes i will have to work harder be patient and dig in, and sometimes it may just comes together, but I know I Can!!!

Where i am is right where we needed to be to begin building these relationships, instilling values and a firm foundation for our family to grow.

An unofficial beginning is still a start...

This; what happened...happening.

It Seems to me; weird to talk about anything in a past tense when I have been at this for just 'some' months...but my results {{{the CHANGES }}} are obvious, rapid, exhausting, painful and at moments overwhelming, but nonetheless AWeSome!

When I signed up for CG (with two of my spirit animals, a fierce mama bear and a strong mother of doggos) I knew I needed to be doing something for my health and/or fitness, but I was in a lazy passive aggressive denial zone. My heart knew I was ready to make some real lifestyle changes and that is what pushed me to sign up.
Before the ink was dry i could feel my mind mixing the mortar to build walls of "you can't do this!"

44 years (i was 43 when i started this post...facepalm emoji), 2 kids (3.5 years post being Done having babies!), about 60 pounds overweight, tired, without a schedule structure, a legit fear of change and a penchant for sugary snacks and junk food is where my CG began.....at.5:01am...

This journey started with its lots of bumps (speed, sharp corners, mild and steep inclines) but with more modification than i was prepared to/Not ashamed to admit, I have picked up the pace, begun milling down the sharp corners and made it up some hills (ok, ramps and steps because {{{♪stadium dash♪♫}}} I live in a concrete jungle).

Some of the real benefits of a newfound energy and fitness level is that I am having more fun with my kids in their activities and our daily adventures! I feel a more alert; even if I do feel the need to grab a quick nap (definitely during weeks of interval or endurance...) and more adventurous in my approaches to work, domestic labor, mom(ing), and my life in general.

This effort comes with feeling uncomfortable*, A lot of growing PAINs and even more sore muscles and bones, but ",,,weakness leaving the body", "...makes us stronger", "...you get what you give", "...its your workout", "...strive for progress"
and my most favorite right now....

“When God wants you to grow He makes you uncomfortable...”* i don't know who 'penned' this but it has resonated with me since seeing it on social media somewhere over the last week or so...it has helped me to realize how little i listen and pay attention to myself...i have made myself so busy looking at what others are doing/how they were doing (it) and not following, taking or making my own path to just get stuff done {{{epic facepalm emoji}}}

And I’m just going to get out in front of my another current “life mantra”...(or perhaps new soon to be updated facebook description)...

“uncomfortable is my new inconsistency...”
 cause
 “learning and growing...always in all ways" is how i do and something i preach to my peeps.
...additionally because i love alliteration...

☝☝☝☝☝☝☝☝☝

this "jump rope situation" did little to help me feel better about all of the changes, but finding the humor in the reality of being a woman (and birthed her babies...) is humiliatingly humorous... 

A first time ever... CG Stadium dash (I so hope this becomes an annual ‘dash’!!!) so much internal turmoil that surrounded actually showing up ...
- my hope to get the best  involved
- my absolute desire to get my best On.The field at DKR/Memorial stadium
-an earsick kid
-being an earsick kids mom
-Also, battling with my mind (as it scoops cement, building a wall) that is filling the expanse full of doubt in myself that my body will be able to do this even.


A testimony to the CHANGES it that I did the CG stadium dash...by myself but with an entire community! Made a friend walking up and met up with some friends to 'dash' with, as I was walking up I was so excited and nervous but any walls that my mind had built crumbled as soon as I was in line with this awesome CG group of humans! 

I am beyond grateful for the people that help raise me up and remind me that I can do it and that push me to push myself!
Thank you CG!

an eventual Renewal

Just end me now... I have to get my license renewed and I am told the wait is about two hours for this service...the entire scene is something out of a really bad movie... From the moment I walked in the door the monotony of bureaucracy has been in my face. I  walked out of a roped line waiting area three times, passed the admin/help desk twice, talked to a very pleasant trooper, actually walked Out the door (one time) and then back in to attempt to wait this out.

One of my first thoughts as I sit here is that they should really have bench seating as opposed to the individual plastic seat chairs. It is (((was))) super awkward to have to weasel my way into a seat between groups of individuals or an individual... I have just been "checked on" by someone I guess works here and overheard that the wait for the service [i'm needing] can be up to two and a half hours..."that's the most time...you would have to wait..." Oy! With any luck I... "...could fall I somewhere before that..."

There are sooo many desks, booths and waiting areas and so few people filling them that it seems obvious why the wait is so long but begs the question,,, Where are all the employees?
SPOILER ALERT: The closer we got to closing up time, the more desks, booths and work areas were filled and working

So. I sit wedged in between two absolute strangers, a nice fella from Texas but who moved back to TX from Tulsa and a man who is looking straight forward in an effort to avoid any kind of human contact.
"No Contact Guy" gets up and I get to spread out a bit, balance my cheeks in between two chairs to save up some elbow bumping space and enjoy a little personal space in a wide open waiting room of people who want as much to do with me as I want to be there!

Then a very nice older man proceeds to ask if anyone is sitting...and of course I say "no, please...," and he proceeds to sit, sandwiching himself between me and a couple next me; thankfully I still have an empty chair space between me and Tulsa ...the seemingly nice man begins shuffling through his backpack pulling out file folders and futzing through loads of documents as he is plays a solo game of elbow hockey with my left side. At some point I realize the old sport is standing (still between me and the couple to 'his' left) adjusting his pants and doing something with his belt...maybe that is what he was getting out of his backpack during the second half {of elbow hockey}. Reflecting back on it, it seems like wildly inappropriate behavior; but since i did not pick my eyes up during the 'happening' i decided to not rely on my peripherals and leave it alone.
To my right, in a chair next to where Tulsa was sitting is a very talkative woman having very long and loud conversation(s) and it is wildly annoying. I feel like I should know her name, as I know so much about the people in her life. There was a kiddo behind me with a pretty shrill cry (repeatedly "shrill crying"), so I turned around and chatted with him (yes I did all the talking, the kids gave me the "are you crazy?" look the entire time) for a moment or two (really I was chatting through him and to his mom who, like myself wasn't expecting such long wait times) and the shrill screaming stopped 😎...
I finally got up and moved away from the phone talker. I needed to Not hear her voice and stories anymore.  I could no longer take it; and as, I no longer have the old timer next to me to listen to as he grumbles to me? or to himself...(((I am not sure)))...I moved to a seat where I could watch the numbers on the monitor climb ever.so.slowly closer to mine without having to hear about whatever "Tiffany and James and Peter" were up too.

 Being someone who has been recognized as, called out for and pushed to tears because I am a loud talker, I 'didn't listen" ((and didn't call her out)) as long as I could.  But this one...had zero awareness, mindfulness or care about anyone around her; and after some point in that waiting room, the more i heard her words and stories the more frustrated and annoyed I got...so i moved far enough away to muffle out her words.

Watching the screen nonstop as my number approached...8 more, 7 more...6,5, 4......
......
Finally me!!! My number was there on the screen!!! I had waited through over 85 numbers and to see my combination of digits on that screen I was elated! I danced around in search of table, booth, desk number FIVE (5)...oddly after turning around in many circles and looking every bit as crazy as I felt, I found the area with the number five hanging above it...it was that admin/help desk that i had walked by more than once over two hours ago...I walk up, wait for "Jerrel" to make eye contact and hand him my number.  He just looks at me (clearly as confused as I am) so I say something to the effect of, here is my number it just popped up on the screen for this desk, I am here to renew my license..."Jerrel is obviously a person that has nothing to do with me getting this service done.
He says to me he says, oh I was just deleting numbers I must have pushed yours by mistake...
I think it is important to pause here and note that i did not loose my shit, but that i recognized that this was the kind of setting that pushes mildly depressed, anxious, hangry people (such as myself) All.The.Way.over the edge.

Jerrel shuffles around discarded old tickets around as i ask, in my calmest there is a sheriff over there voice..."so should i continue to wait? what happens now?". Jarrel waves me off and tells me to wait over there (where I was waiting before for 2.5 hours) and it shouldn't be long.  After five minutes (that was too long to have to sit and watch people whose numbers were after mine get the service they need, while now repeatedly being passed over) I went back to Jarrel and said "Sir, how much longer will I have to wait? I have been mostly patient these last two and a half hours and find this very aggravating."
Still not having apologized, still not making eye contact and still avoiding the situation he says it should be there...
Finally (imagine the voice of Ariel when she gets her voice back from the sea witch Ursula) my number re-appears and I get my license renewed in about TWO Minutes {{{angry, sad, sullen, annoyed, ecstatic, elated emoji}}} and I am finished.

I left, renewed and full of joy that I should'nt have to go through this again for at least the next ten years.